09/12/2013 08:45 am ET Updated Nov 12, 2013

If You Search 'Australia,' You Must Want a Pet Koala

Good morning, Greg, this is your computer talking! While you slumbered, I was up all night, analyzing your online habits from the previous day. Why? Because that's what computers do now: keep track of every website you visit and then decide what you like and don't like. I know, it's assumptive, annoying and intrusive, but that's the price you pay for using the Internet. Big Brother is always watching. So, are you ready? Here we go:

I missed your companionship yesterday. I know from perusing your Google calendar that you were out most of the afternoon and evening. But before going to bed, you searched flights to Michigan next month. Yes, the search took only 30 seconds, but that's more than enough information for me to bombard you with suggestions, offers and social media posts. Since you perused airfares, you must enjoy travel by plane. Have you seen this Groupon offer for 50 percent off a private, one-hour flying lesson? I already sent you an email and I'll keep sending you daily reminders to act now before other wannabe pilots gobble up these ridiculously low savings.

The fact that you may (or may not be) heading to Michigan in the height of fall makes me think you have a passion for viewing colorful, outdoor foliage. Therefore you can start expecting emails from Michigan-based companies offering everything to make your trip more enjoyable. Need a car? A bed and breakfast reservation? Want to rent a boat? Purchase some Detroit Lions attire? See what happens when you type "MI" into the "state" search box?

Oh, and Greg, do you know how many of your acquaintances live in Michigan? Remember Mikey Delaney, your first grade finger painting partner? You don't? Well, I do, and he's on Facebook. Just click here and you can connect with him. Isn't that simple? And here's a bunch of other people with ties to Michigan, including Ashley Michiganigan. I know, you've never heard of her, but somehow her name popped up because it sounds like the state you may (or may not) be visiting.

Speaking of Michigan residents, did you know Jeff Daniels hails from that state? One time, you inadvertently clicked on his Twitter profile. Somehow, got wind of that and now assumes you must be a fan of his HBO drama, The Newsroom. Season one just came out on DVD. Amazon will put it on your "wish list" if you just click here. Of course, doing so will open the floodgates for Amazon to suggest other "news related" items, like Walter Cronkite's autobiography, a subscription to Time magazine on your Kindle and a life-size "gently used" poster of Matt Lauer.

If all of this sounds annoying, Greg, don't worry. I don't recommend EVERYTHING for you. Like, I never suggested you cancel your health club membership. I just went ahead and renewed it for you. Remember when you joined the club? Gave them your credit card online? I know, you only went to the club three times this past year, but you're in for another 12 months because you didn't uncheck the "auto renew" box when you initially signed up. It's amazing how many people forget to do that; heck, it's right there in paragraph 645 of the fine print. And since I know you may (or may not be) working out this year, why not purchase this awesome GPS sportwatch? You can wear it while you're reading the Cronkite book on the treadmill.

Greg, I see you're searching airfares again. Wait, did you just type "MT"? Are you going to Montana instead of Michigan? So, all of these suggestions I made were for naught because you mistyped? Well, don't worry. I'll just start recommending things to do in Montana since you may (or may not be) headed there.

And since your keyboard skills suck, here's an offer for some voice activated typing software.