08/20/2014 12:22 pm ET Updated Oct 20, 2014

Is It Morning TV News If Nobody Laughs?

WRITER'S NOTE: This column was written after a summer spent traveling the country and watching random morning news shows. The writer vows never to do that again.

"Rise and shine. This is The Morning News Zoo. I'm Barry O'Brien."

"And I'm co-anchor Teri Sullivan."

"We've got Gerry in the weather center..."

"Oooh, today's going to be hotter than my last meeting with management."

"And Larry on sports. So Barry, Teri, Gerry and Larry bringing you laughs and maybe some news. We'll get to the top stories right after we do our silly two minutes of opening banter with our unseen camera person."

"Hey Tommy, Teri has some cream cheese under her lip. Can you zoom in on that?"

"Geez Barry, you've never forgotten that comment I made about your runaway nose hair during our 9/11 anniversary broadcast, have you?"

"Just pointing out facts, Teri. From the looks of things, it appears you like that cream cheese with the chunks of tomato in it."


"Let's get to our top story. You're not going to BELIEVE what a bear did at a campground overnight. Check out this video. See? He's walking on his hind legs.

Hope those campers were 'berry' careful, Barry."


"We'll be showing that clip at least 12 times this hour. Why? Because it's greeeeeaaaat!"

"Uh Barry, tigers say that. You know, the ones who eat Frosted Flakes?

"I love Frosted Flakes. Wonder how those would look under your lip? They go great with cream cheese."

"So do Coco Puffs. Try those, Teri. Then you could have cheese puffs under your lip."


"Let's say hello to Kerry, our Disturbing Video correspondent. Kerry scours the Internet looking for disturbing video that we repeatedly show while viewers eat their eggs and get their kids off to school. Anything disturbing for us this morning Kerry?"

"Unfortunately, no. But did you ever wonder if a cat can do yoga? Check out this flexible feline!"

"I'm jealous. I can't put my foot behind my ear."

"Do cats have feet? I thought they had paws"

"If a cat falls from a three story building, it lands on its feet, not its paws, right?"

"Beats me."

"Let's Google that on these laptops we're only using to read Facebook and Twitter posts about ourselves."

"And while Teri's doing that, it's time for our segment called, 'Is It Funny or Not?' This is where I read one of the day's top stories and try my best not to make a joke about it."

"Go for it, Barry!"

"Ahem, heavy fighting between Israeli forces and Palestinian rebels continues, with Hamas rockets hitting the town of Netanya overnight. Hey, I think I dated her in college."


"Sorry Barry, you lose. Better luck tomorrow."

"When was the last time I won? Oh, I remember. It was that story about the busload of casino tourists that went over a cliff."

"No. You said something about their luck running out."

"You're right. Hey, we're going to show that bear video again, right after our 'Kar-dieber' segment, in which we report on anything that happened overnight to Justin Bieber or the Kardashian family. This morning we have EXCLUSIVE video of Kim picking up her dry cleaning."

"Think Kanye's underwear is in that pile?"

"Does Kanye even wear underwear?"

"Let's make that our viewer question of the day. Tweet your response using hashtag 'KanyeCommando.'"

"We're almost out of time. So let's quickly do our segment called "News Without Video Clips."

"A hostage situation is unfolding in the White House..."

"The stock market just opened down 395 points..."

"Pope Francis has unexpectedly resigned..."

"A chemical leak has been detected near the New York City water supply..."

"And an FAA computer glitch has forced all commercial air traffic to land in Little Rock, Arkansas."

"We'd love to elaborate on these stories but we don't have video. So viewers, send us yours. And if it's funny...

"Or disturbing..."

"You just might win tickets to our Friday live broadcast at Uncle Chucklehuts Comedy Club!"

"As we sign off, let's roll that bear video one more time. 'Hey bear, pay us a visit. I know where you can get some delicious cream cheese.'"


Copyright 2014 Greg Schwem distributed by Tribune Content Services, Inc.