Does anybody in Alaska own a video camera? How about a video-equipped cell phone? Anyone? Anyone?
I ask only because it's been almost two weeks and I have yet to see visual evidence of the alleged Palin family party brawl that occurred earlier this month. To all Alaska residents who attended that party, why didn't anybody record the scene? Until now, September has been known as "Disturbing Video Month" with images of domestic violence and unspeakable terrorist acts readily available for viewing. A Palin Ultimate Fighting clip would provide this country with some much needed hilarity.
By now, reports have widely circulated that former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her broods were involved in a dust up on September 6 in Alaska, Palin's home state. A birthday party was reportedly in full swing when the Palins arrived in a stretch Hummer. That's right -- a Hummer -- a vehicle that, by itself, should have elicited the attention of a few video cameras. I've never been to Alaska but the residents I have met seem more like your average pickup truck, crossover SUV-type folk.
Then things reportedly got good. Witnesses say the governor's son Track took a swing at his sister Willow's ex-boyfriend. Daughter Bristol allegedly threw some punches. And the ex-governor herself even entered the fray, spewing profanities and screaming, "Do you know who I am?" before leaving the premises.
Anchorage police will only confirm that yes, a "verbal and physical altercation took place;" yes, alcohol may have been a factor and yes, members of the Palin family were involved.
And yet nobody had the foresight to aim their phone at this bizarre, Keeping Up With the Kardashians-worthy scene and hit "record"? Come on! What isn't being filmed these days? I've stopped writing columns in my boxer shorts, fearful that a "CAUGHT ON TAPE! SCRIBE SCRIBBLES IN SKIVVIES" video will go viral on the net. I would understand the lack of evidence were this Alaska circa 1899; it's hard to film anything when your hands are preoccupied panning for gold. But I'm certain Alaskans have grown reasonably tech savvy since then.
I've scoured every website I can think of, starting with TMZ, the entertainment gossip site that thrives solely on grainy cellphone footage, even if the subject is a "celebrity" whose sole Hollywood credit is "played waitress number two in All My Children finale." Yet the site's star has risen dramatically in the world of breaking news, seeing that it somehow obtained the Ray Rice assault video before the NFL had a chance to view it. Still, no Palin video.
I searched "Palin brawl" on YouTube and Vimeo and came up empty. Google yielded nothing. I'm wondering if a Russian spyplane captured something because, as Palin herself so famously told Katie Couric, "As (Russian President Vladimir) Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where do they go? It's Alaska." I realize that, grammatically speaking, that statement makes zero sense, but it is a direct quote from Alaska's formerly highest ranking official.
The only reason I think video footage may not exist is because Palin, a master of keeping herself in the public eye, could use it as a publicity boondoggle. She could sit down with FOX host Sean Hannity, narrate the video frame by frame and declare that the fight was solely President Obama's fault. Furthermore, she would tell Hannity the quarrel never would have occurred, had John McCain been elected president. That statement would be true; if Palin's resume included "Vice President," her Secret Service detail would have sensed trouble and ordered Palin back into her vehicle before things got messy.
Alaskans, please don't let this happen again. The next time you see a stretch Hummer cruising your neighborhood, whip out your phones, plant your feet and hold your hands steady. You'll get an up close glimpse of a famous politician/TV commentator/author/speaker/reality show host/wrestler.
And TMZ will pay you big bucks for your efforts.
(c) 2014 GREG SCHWEM. DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC