03/05/2013 02:07 pm ET Updated May 05, 2013

Life on Elitus: Rattner Discovers New Planet

According to a recent article by financial elitist Steve Rattner, a new planet has been discovered. It is named "Elitus" and while it circles our Sun it has nothing in common with Earth. Rattner claims that Elitus is greatly troubled and threatened by a new development on Earth called the JOBS Act that undermines the prevailing religion of the inhabitants of Elitus.

Apparently, on Elitus, a small cult of wealthy people called Venturians have brains with magical qualities. They have an "idiot savant"-like talent for financial wisdom. They have used this talent -which modern science on our planet has yet been able to explain or even prove -- to make them immune from fraud. They claim special abilities to see the future especially when using other people's money to cast their investment spells. These abilities allow them to make money even when the people who give them money to invest lose theirs.

On Elitus, nothing new is needed because all that is good and bountiful has already happened. Why invest in anything new when life can be so uncertain? This fear of the future is so pervasive that only the Venturians are allowed to start anything new. The vast majority of citizens on Elitus, called "Crowders" are encouraged, according to Rattner, to throw their money onto gaming tables and into lotteries or borrow from payday lenders who charge interest rates approaching 500% so they know for certain they can lose their money without fear of starting anything new. Occasionally when they are allowed to give their money away in something called Kickstarter, Rattner states that Crowders may receive "trinkets and other items of small value" similar to what children get at Mardi Gras or what the earliest Venturians traded Native Americans for Manhattan. But actually owning anything on Elitus is so dangerous that only Venturians are allowed to do so.

Perhaps the greatest difference between Elitus and Earth is that on Elitus even talking about investing in something new is forbidden in public. Apparently Venturians' abilities extend to telepathic communication of valuable financial opportunities. According to Rattner: "the most successful private equity and hedge funds can already raise all the capital they can efficiently manage without advertising." These abilities to raise and manage money efficiently with their special powers is somewhat suspect to scientists here on Earth since earlier Rattner states that "most professionally run venture funds lose money." This telepathic approach to raising money was tried for many years on Earth to the great detriment of its citizens and its economies. One land mass on Earth called "Australia" has allowed Crowders to learn about and invest in new companies for seven years. Crowders invested hundreds of millions of dollars to start new businesses. To the amazement of Venturian scholars visiting Earth there was no significant fraud.

While Elitus sounds interesting, its distinction between Venturians and Crowders seems oddly out of touch with events on Earth where starting new things has been in vogue for centuries; in fact most historians argue that America itself is a startup begun by crowds of people with little wealth but great vision.

In our Galaxy news can only travel at the speed of light and apparently Elitus is many many light years away from being enlightened by changes here on Earth.