"Mommy, I don't want to grow taller than you. I always want to be able to look up to you," my tween son told me last night. I'm sure he meant that literally, but I couldn't help but take the message as a figurative one. Can I be a mom who will always be worth looking up to?
I give a lot of thought to what I can pass on to my children because I realize that I have limited time left in which their parents will be the central figures of their lives. Soon, their friends will matter more, followed by girlfriends and wives. I can only hope that the seeds of what I've tried to plant in their hearts will take root and bloom. These are the ways I hope to be a mother worth looking up to:
1. Faith: My faith brings me comfort in this modern "I need proof" and "I need answers now" world. No matter what your belief system, just the thought that there's something out there larger than ourselves that there's a plan for us (though we may not understand it yet), eases the pressure to feel like I need to know it all. This leads me to
2. Humility: Our privacy has been replaced by the overwhelming popularity contest of social media. For many of us, our jobs depend on what others think of us and how many people know and care that we exist. To be humble today takes an extra measure of self-control. Of course I hope you read this and enjoy it and comment on it and share it, but whether you do or not, does that have bearing on my worth as an individual? I need to say what I believe and live my live according to my principles, which leads me to
3. Openness: I never want to offend anyone and I can see multiple points of view on just about any issue. I tend to be a private person as well, but two years ago, I adopted a "theme" for myself of 'Put Yourself Out There.' This simple statement brought about so many wonderful changes in my personal and professional life that I became determined to stop hiding. Kids (especially firstborns) try hard to please adults, a habit I never fully outgrew, but now I accept that not everyone will like what I say, and that's okay. My desire to respectfully be who I am leads me to
4. Kindness: The comedian Louis CK in one of his hilarious skits pointed out the fact that even the most mild-mannered people can turn aggressive in their cars. I have been known to utter "What are you, an idiot?" (and much worse) while driving. I've had uncharitable thoughts about other people that I wouldn't say out loud, but my goal is to not even think them. It is so easy to get caught up in our own egos that we forget the struggles and fears and tragedies that have molded the people around us. And going back to the principles of faith and humility, who am I to judge? My desire to believe in the innate goodness of people leads to
5. Optimism: There are two ways you can go through life: believing that humankind is selfish and inherently evil, or that people (for the most part) do their best with the resources they have to be cooperative and generous. The filter you choose is the one through which you will measure everything that happens to you, both good and bad. The good things will seem less good because you'll attribute them to chance, while the bad things will seem predestined, part of life's agenda of screwing you over. Like everyone else who exists, I've had some really good parts of my life and some really bad ones too. It's a decision I make every day, but I choose to believe the universe is fundamentally good.
There are so many things I could wish for my children: that they find good partners, do well in school, have fulfilling and well-paid careers and become good parents themselves. But instead of wishing they become certain things that may or may not happen, I will try to nurture who they are right at this moment. I hope that regardless of height, they see my path as one worth taking.