03/03/2011 11:21 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Take Two and a Half Sheens and Call Me in the Morning

Today the National Pharmaceutical Association unveiled its latest product, a drug called "Charlie Sheen" (Latin name "Carlos Estevez"). The pharmaceutical reps had hoped to keep this wonder drug under wraps until more testing was done, but since its existence was revealed last week, they are releasing it early.

The drug is made from equal parts Tiger Blood, Adonis DNA and a special ingredient called "Winner." It will place magic and poetry at your fingertips, let you heal yourself with the power of your mind and conduct strafing runs in your underwear before your first cup of coffee. And porn stars. It will get you lots and lots of porn stars.

The drug called Charlie Sheen will be sold in the shapes of characters from "Two and Half Men," like Flintstones chewable vitamins. However, the Jon Cryer-shaped pill only works when taken with the Charlie Sheen-shaped bill.

The National Pharmaceutical association admits that it has had mixed success with other drugs based on the Sheen family. The drug called Martin Sheen was incredibly effective from the 1970s and into the early 2000s, but now mostly sits on the shelf. The drug industry also had big hopes for the Emilio Estevez drug, but its side effects include "The Mighty Ducks."

Industry experts recommend buying the drug called Charlie Sheen now because it is not expected to last long.