04/23/2014 05:19 pm ET Updated Jun 23, 2014

20 Fears Jack Black Can Help You Overcome

OMG! It's J.B.! Are you thinking Jonas Brothers? Justin Bieber? Well, you'd be wrong. Why does no one ever think of Jack Black!? Upon closer inspection, the true J.B. is the source of answers to your questions, resolutions to your New Year's, and most importantly, solutions to your fears.

  1. Fear of heights (your height)? J.B. teaches you to overcome your height anxiety even after the realization that there's no place to put your face when you're the shortest in a group hug. Simply look into Emily Blunt's eyes and remember the time she didn't get to go to Paris fashion week in The Devil Wears Prada. At least you're not Emily Blunt.
  2. Fear of performing on a stage? If you've watched the extras on the School of Rock DVD (who hasn't), you'd recognize this quote from J.B. himself: "I face it like a warrior going into battle."
  3. Fear of "the man"? Just take a look at Joan Cusack's hands. At least your fingers aren't in THAT gymnasium.
  4. Fear of small children (i.e. Miranda Cosgrove as an annoying fourth grader)? She does NOT want to be a groupie. Just make something up and convince her that she is important to the band's success.
  5. Fear of your own body? If nothing else, J.B. helps us overcome our body image issues. Embrace it ALLLLLLL.
  6. Fear of extraterrestrial life? Just become a Ghostbuster. Who you gonna call? Def not you, J.B.
  7. Fear of corn? J.B. THREW IT ON THE GROUND!!!
  8. Fear of un-awesomeness? Hit THAT note (whatever that is). Also, a green screen and a special effects technician would help.
  9. Fear of ripping your pants whilst rocking out? Just wear corduroys. You can get LOW.
  10. Fear of letting that extra room in your corduroys go to waste? Umm ... yeah.
  11. Fear of looking silly? J.B. IS THAT YOU!? I blame People Mag. Absolutely no solution here.
  12. Fear of cheerleaders? Get a rando tween to sit on your shoulders while you shimmy away. Feel free to also say "yeah" over and over again.
  13. Fear of not rocking? As long as you have your fingers and their leg counterparts, you've got all you need to rock 24/7.
  14. Fear of not getting into college? Try to be as kick-ass as J.B. is. I mean ... clearly kick-ass.
  15. Fear of impending zombie apocalypse? Just get some plastic arms and a hollow axe that will probably split in two when struck against a pebble.
  16. Fear of your crush walking in on you in a public, single-use restroom? Embrace the situation.
  17. Fear of not having anyone to sit with at lunch? JB says dat don't matter.
  18. Fear of Gwyneth Paltrow? Make crazy eyes and bite your lip so you can stifle the menacing scream that would naturally ensue when in the presence of this woman.
  19. Fear of waterpark rides? Clutch a small child and wear the stupidest hat you can possibly find to distract from your quadruple chin when you hit that big splash.
  20. Fear of getting a paper cut on your tongue? Sorry, J.B. can't help you with that one. Guess you have to throw out all those envelopes.

I guess we've also learned that J.B. can't possibly be a solution to any fear in most cases. This is what creates fear in the first place.