THE BLOG
01/20/2015 06:27 pm ET Updated Mar 22, 2015

Not Gonna Do It

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I hate mornings. I don't mean in a cute, Kathy cartoon kind of way, either. I mean I really hate them. It is a shock to my body every single time I have to get out of bed for the day. I slug around, feeling like I'm trudging through sand until about noon, and don't ever fully wake until I go to bed again.

Then I'm all "Hey! Ho! What are we doing tonight?!? I'm ready to party. You ready to party?! Let's do it! Let's get crazy! Let's forget where we left our underpants and make some questionable decisions!"

Luckily, this phase of alertness (usually) morphs into the desire to read for six hours before I can do any lasting damage. At least, most of the time. So, I settle in with my kindle and tell myself I'll just lie in bed and read a chapter or two until I'm good and sleepy.

One novel later, I can catch roughly three Zzz's before the sun comes up... If I got to sleep right now. Instead, I am lying awake having this inner dialogue: I'm still awake. I'll just close my eyes, breath deep and be asleep in a few minutes. OK it's only been an hour. I can still get two hours of sleep if I fall asleep now. t's not too late. Shit. I'm still not asleep. Why am I awake right now?!? I'm never going to sleep again. Isn't that a disease? People who never sleep? Maybe I should Google it and find out what I'm up against.

As the sun is rising, my Google-weary eyes are finally drifting down... and "Mommy? Are you awake? Is it the day time?"

"Kill me. Kill me now."

Here's where you stop feeling sorry for me... the next thing I hear is my hunk of a husband whispering "Hey buddy, mommy's sleeping. Should we go make you a waffle?" I know, right? He is the best. Tell me something I don't know.

Maybe one day I'll be one of those people who fall asleep easily and wake irritatingly perky and refreshed. Until that day, I'll just continue to stockpile coffee, like the world is ending, and keep Amazon in business with e-book purchases. Sleep tight, everyone. Someone has to.

You can ready more of Lazy Sunday My ass at http://raisingharrison.blogspot.com