THE BLOG
12/18/2014 11:52 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Ask a Lesbian

The long-awaited Lesbian ID is now available to American citizens, undocumented residents, and loud if wealthy non-American visitors. Due to a recent glitch in our media outsourcing, there has been surprisingly little awareness of this useful new tool, perhaps overshadowed by the "municipal" IDs currently catching on across the nation.

To find out whether you are eligible to receive your Lesbian ID, consider the following questions:

Is lesbianism for everyone?

Yes! Many people think lesbianism is for a small, select group of people, largely women, but anyone can enjoy the benefits of this glamorous and richly rewarding lifestyle.

Benefits? Like what?

Increased job security,* improved treatment in housing* and enhanced salary and healthcare benefits.* Universal appreciation.**

*Void in states populated by Americans
**Only when applicable

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How do I know if I'm a lesbian?

You are.

But I've been with the same man for--

Being involved with a male companion does not automatically invalidate your lesbian membership. Many women throughout history, and a handful of men, have had loving relationships with men. Though it may seem odd to some of you who are innocent in the ways of the world or who happen to be reading this, lesbianism has far more to do with your feelings for women than your experience with men. Strange but true.

But--

Trust me. You're a lesbian.

Do I have to use that word? It's so... heavy.

Some of our finest humorists have attempted to rehabilitate "lesbian" usage. Years ago Paul Rudnick, our modern-day Oscar Wilde, minus the jailing and premature death, was given to utter the sentence, "This cake is moist and lesbian." In this, as in so much of life, his example is to be followed.

What if I can't pull that off with a straight face?

The lightness of delivery with which you declare your beautiful, beautiful lifestyle-slash-love can go a long way toward helping others appreciate who and why you are. Of course, if you feel any shame or queasiness about sharing this special, cost-effective part of your nature, others will likely follow suit. Deploy your "lesbian" surrounded by playful adjectives, and its recipients will instantly grasp the proper mood with which to receive it. Try this example: "I'm as gay as the circus."

That didn't even use the word "lesbian"! Don't you have any more substantive questions?

Thanks for asking! Here's one: Which of the following is the definition of "dyke drama"?

A. Last Tuesday when my current wife met my former girlfriend and/or husband.

B. Confronting my boss after learning of a major disparity between my salary and that of the new stockboy.

C. A production of 12 Angry Men starring Wanda Sykes, Portia de Rossi, Samira Wiley, Rosie O'Donnell, k.d. lang, Meredith Baxter, Lily Tomlin and Jane Lynch ("Alternate Jurors 1-5": Anna Paquin, Megan Fox, Amber Heard, Sarah Paulson and Cynthia Nixon). Special appearance by Lindsay Lohan as "Queenie."

Answers A-C are all correct, although C is a fantasy. Now that the planned Scott Rudin-produced Twelve Angry Mens -- in which Rudin hoped to cast Kevin Hooks, Hannibal Buress, Tyler Perry, Denzel Washington, Chris Rock and Angelina Jolie -- has been shelved due to offensiveness and not being funny, prospects for a female version of the tale have diminished even further than current reality permits.

The holidays are coming up.

Good point! Have yourself a merry little lesbian. Let your heart be light. Just so you know: Next year all your girlfriends will be out of sight.