Once upon a time there was a nuklear family of dysfunctional C-list celebrities called the Kardashians who lived in a town called Kalabassas, Kalifornia. It's possible that they also bank at the Bank of Amerika and eat Special K cereal.
Season 3 of the trainwreck that is Keeping Up with the Kardashians premiered last night on E!, which proves once again that neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of night nor recession shall keep us from being sucked into the vortex of the empty frivolous lives of the Kardashian/Jenner tribe (in which every single child's name - except one - begins with a K). Yes, the show that The New York Times said is purely about some desperate women clinging to the margins of fame, and the New York Daily News said just isn't very interesting, or entertaining....no drama or anything like a real family scenario...breaks no stereotypes of overhyped Hollywood life is back for another round at vying for our attention.
The opening scene has Khloe and Kim returning from their trip to Sydney, Australia, during which Kim was mauled by a koala bear (hmm . . . is this another way to bring the letter K into the show . . . or just a koincidence?) and Khloe is kicked out of her DUI class because she was away for 2 weeks in a row. We're not even two minutes into the program when Khloe hits one off the charts after Kim pretends to drink a bottle of wine, making exaggerated 'glug, glug' type noises. "Is that what happens when you give Bruce *** - is that the noise you make?" Khloe asks Mom Kris. Now such an outrageous comment would prompt my mom (or any normal mom) to slap her daughter straight into next week. Kris merely rolls her eyes and says, "Oh my God."
The drama mounts konsiderably when Khloe goes to LA Municipal Court to try to get reinstated into her DUI class and a non-Kardashian fan judge sentences her to 30 days in jail. (Our first klue that it might go badly is when no kameras are allowed in the courthouse to kapture the scene.) Later, back home, Khloe tells Mom Kris (wearing a tasteful black widow spider outfit) and her step-dad, washed up Olympic world record holder Bruce Jenner, that she's going to jail. In perhaps the show's only sane moment, Bruce says, "She's a good kid who made a mistake and she's going to have to pay for it." Kris, meanwhile, is trying her best to have a dramatic meltdown over the situation: "I've never had a child go to jail before - it's weird."
It's a family affair a few days later when all the Kardashian women pile into an SUV and eskort Khloe to jail. On the way there, Kris suggests that if they're early they kould maybe stop at IHop for breakfast. Meanwhile, Kim plays with a digital kamera, taking photos of herself looking hot. "Kim would you stop taking pictures of yourself, your sister's going to jail," kautions Kris, who is having flashbacks of the O.J. Simpson trial. Her ex-husband Robert Kardashian was one of Simpson's defense team, which, she tearfully acknowledges, caused friktion between them as Nicole was one of her best friends. They divorced after the trial ended and he died shortly thereafter of esophageal cancer (sorry, no K this time).
Displaying the ultimate in bad taste, Kim waxes nostalgic after they drop Khloe off at the big house, remembering making hot cereal for her sick dad in the hospital, when he could barely talk. Kris is having issues dealing with her ex-husband's memory so she visits the cemetery to ask him to forgive her for not being there at the end. Luckily for her and the program's producers, Robert K. is in no position to sue them for not obtaining a name and likeness release for his appearance on the show.
In a Paris Hilton type twist, Khloe is released almost immediately because of overkrowding at the jail and goes home to her vakuous life, three hours older but not a bit wiser. Mom Kris says, "I only have one word for tonight - vodka" and takes everyone out to eat, buying them all (including alkoholic Khloe) a round of drinks. Way to go, Enabling Mom of the Year So Far! They all proceed to get kompletely sloppy drunk as they celebrate Khloe's release. And we're off to a fine start of peeking into the lives of these kooky, kreepy kandy-asses for another season.
Read more of Holly Cara Price's ruminations on the slings and arrows of outrageous pop culture at Snoop* Du Jour.