We were minding our business at over at Hulu HQ the other day, eating specialty seaweed and watching old episodes of Alf, when we received an anonymous manila envelope in the mail. Not that this is unusual (that's how we've been corresponding with Gary Busey), but there was something special about this one.
Inside we found 14 well-worn, expensive-smelling pieces of folded up paper. Written on them? The pre-prepared acceptance speeches from a select group of Sunday's Emmy nominees. Rough drafts, of course, but still -- what a treasure trove!
Thank you, thank you, anonymous benefactor (Gary? Was that you?). How privileged we are to be privy to the uncensored inner thoughts of all these talented actors. We just had to share them with the world.
And in case you're wondering, yes, Jon Hamm does dot his i's with a heart.
Lena Dunham, Girls -- Actress in a Drama
I know what you're thinking, Marnie. I know you're thinking, "Oh, maybe this girl shouldn't even have gotten an award. Maybe it should've been somebody else, like Elisabeth Moss or Claire Danes, somebody who wouldn't bring a toilet on stage and then put that toilet inside a running bathtub and then sit on that toilet while eating a reuben and smoking a cigarette and calling her mom on her cracked Nokia cell phone at the same time she gives her Emmys acceptance speech." But here I am on this toilet, eating this reuben with way too much meat in it, playing Snake while talking to my Mom about a haiku I just wrote while giving this acceptance speech. Get at me, handsome men! Trip over your chairs to rescue me! I am all woman. I deserve this. I swear, Marnie, I deserve this. -- Ben Collins
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad -- Supporting Actor in a Drama
Yo, bitch! This award is mad tight. (Slips into a British accent.) I certainly had you 'Yanks fooled, didn't I? You all thought I was some foul-mouthed hood rat. Well, the joke's on you. It is really I: (tears off Aaron Paul mask) Daniel Day-Lewis! I've won Golden Globes, BAFTAs, and three Oscars... but the one thing that's eluded me all of these years, the Emmy, is finally mine. (Laughs manically.) Now if you'll excuse me... (puts on a dark wig and Demi Lovato mask) ... I believe I hear the Teen Choice Awards starting up. (Raises Emmy skyward, and flies off of the stage.) -- Courtney Hyde
Jon Hamm, Mad Men -- Actor in a Drama
First of all, I think we can all agree that this side part is strong enough to break a man's jaw. As is my actual jaw. Indeed, they say my face was hewn by the archangels themselves; this rakish grin and sultry -- (covers mic) What? No one's mentioned archangels before? Are you sure? Because I could've sworn there was some talk of... No, no, I believe you. Ahem. Archangels aside, you wish you had this face. I'd like to thank tight-fitting gray suits, shag rugs, and... (a haunted look settles over his visage, his stare from behind a swirling fog of memories is almost too sexy to bear). -- Katherine Rea
Bill Hader, Saturday Night Live -- Supporting Actor in a Comedy
Listen, Seth, this acceptance speech has everything. My adoptive Republican parents, my Korean birth parents, my racist veteran grandfather, DJ Colonel Slanders, and this award that I'm holding, that looks like a naked Kristi Yamaguchi fixing a lightbulb. Want one for yourself? No problem. Just go to LA's hottest club "It's the Pythagorean Theorem!" What's "It's the Pythagorean Theorem!?" It's that punchline to every joke on The Big Bang Theory that isn't actually a punchline or a joke at all but everyone with a Nielsen box laughs at it because most of them are tired, old, elderly people who'd rather just laugh at smart people than try to join them.
And midgets. I'd also like to thank midgets. -- Ben Collins
Jason Bateman, Arrested Development -- Actor in a Comedy
Gosh, this is such a surprise. I'm going to forego the usual thank-yous to family, friends and industry contacts, and instead take this opportunity to thank irony in general. Were it not for irony, and the desperate need for people to appear ironic, viewers might not have tuned in to Arrested Development in the first place. I know what you guys were thinking. You thought it would be funny to see a washed up child star try to make a comeback. Well, it turns out it was funny. It was actually funny. So the joke is on you. That's irony. Trust me. I know. I'm the star of Arrested Development. -- Liz Brown
Vera Farmiga, Bates Motel -- Actress in a Drama
Oh my, what a surprise! It's a shame that none of my fellow nominees could be with us tonight. Poor Claire Danes -- she didn't even see that cross-town bus as it came barreling at her. Which reminds me, this award wouldn't have been possible without my darling Norman. Of course, I have to thank my inspiration, the brave woman who originated the role of Mrs. Bates back in 1960. Many people said, "You're nothing by a desiccated, creepy skeleton." And she said, "My name is Madonna, and I can do anything." Madge: this one's for you! -- Courtney Hyde
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards -- Actor in a Drama
You may not know this about me, but I'm a bit of a method actor. Taking on a role like that of Frank Underwood calls for tremendous preparation, and I would not be up here today without the aid of my trusted advisors and their countless hours of support. So today, I proudly dedicate this trophy to Nathan Drake, who helped me navigate these uncharted digital waters; Ethan Mars, who taught me to persevere, no matter how heavy the rain; and Kratos, for helping me tap my rage to transform me into a god of political warfare. And before you play me off, I just have to say that I cannot wait until next season when I finally get a PS Vita for the car. -- Andrea Marker
Kerry Washington, Scandal -- Actress in a Drama
(Glides towards the podium.) My goodness. Thank you, thank you. What a special moment. (Lower lip quivers delicately.) I can't believe I'm standing here tonight. (Brow furrows with emotion.) This moment is so much bigger than me. (Bows her head gracefully and smiles slightly... knowingly. Lower lip quivers.) I have to thank the cast, who is like family to me. (Tugs on a long strand of diamonds about her neck. Eyebrows raise elegantly.) And of course, Shonda, who believed in me. (Lower lip quivering intensifies. Nostrils flare delicately.) And thank you to my husband, Nnamdi, for his support. (Runs her fingers through her impeccable hair, the quivering of her lower lip reaches a crescendo. Whispers fiercely, with a tear in her eye.) I wanted this Emmy, so I earned it. -- Naivasha Dean
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes -- Actor in a Comedy
(Accepts Emmy from host and looks down at it lustfully.) How YOU doin'? (To audience) I would like to thank the brilliant minds behind Episodes, who finally created the perfect starring role for a talent of my caliber: me. Playing myself has really allowed me to shine. I'd also like to give a shout out to Showtime for our third season renewal. They understand that Episodes depicts an ideal world, a more perfect reality that should be nurtured: a world in which a Joey-starring sitcom has a smash hit premiere and continues on for many seasons. -- Kristin Knox
Meritt Weaver, Nurse Jackie - Supporting Actress in a Drama
I'd like to thank the Academy... for knowing who I am. Because who am I, really? No, seriously, do you recognize my face? I mean, I was nominated for an Emmy for Nurse Jackie. It's the HBO show that isn't Game of Thrones or The Newsroom. It's a comedy. Well, not really. It's a half-hour, so HBO thinks it's a comedy, but I'm not sure that Carmela Soprano's substance abuse is lather-yourself-up-in-lube-and-fall-onto-the-floor hilarious, like I was on New Girl. Everyone knows who Schmidt is, right? I play his girlfriend. No, not the hot Indian model he endlessly pines after, although he has to choose between her or me this season. And let's face it, I may have the advantage because Fat Schmidt lost his virginity to my character in that hysterical lube scene, where he mostly rolls around with Nick. But you do know what I'm holding, right? It's an Emmy, and it's totally awesome. -- Mallory Carra
Connie Britton, Nashville -- Actress in a Drama
(Singing) I'd like to thank Jolene. Jolene, Jolene. Your beauty is beyond compare, with flaming locks of auburn hair, ivory skin and eyes of emerald green. Your smile is like a breath of spring. Your voice is soft like summer rain. And I cannot compete with you, Jolene. I'm begging of you, please don't take my time slot after back-to-back episodes of Modern Family. -- Ben Collins
Tony Hale, Veep -- Actor in a Comedy
Wow. I have a laundry list of people to thank. First, my dad, for always pushing me to be my best. And only occasionally into walls and appliances. Not so clumsy now, am I, Dad? I'd also like to thank Mother. My turtle, not my mother. But also my mother. Is it just me or is it tired in here? I could use a juice box... or four! Haha. I'm sure it's five o'clock somewhere, am I right? -- Katherine Rea
Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom -- Actor in a Drama
(Accepts Emmy, begins pacing.) Do you know what this Emmy means? Not that I'm the best actor in this category, but I mean about the big picture, the state of television. In an adolescent, oversexed industry where a 20-year-old pop star's ass dominates headlines and we cycle through two- or three- and a half men, it seems to me that more and more we've come to expect less and less from each other, and I think that should change. This award in my hands means that the state of television is getting better and that good, well-written, well-thought out television is back in its best form. This Emmy in my hands means that you, the Academy, are finally stating we need shows like The Newsroom with high moral compasses, occasional soapboxes, only whole men, and some of the best writing for women. (Pauses.) Well, I mean, at least there's no twerking. -- Mallory Carra
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men -- Supporting Actress in a Drama
I'd like to thank my ass... ets. And by that, I mean my costars, agent, manager, friends, husband, and massive can...do attitude. It really makes all the difference. Seriously though, guys, this is a hugely titillating moment for me. And I'm totally cool that people's fixation with my body somewhat eclipses my superb acting and years of hard work. My successful career aside, I'm glad my bangin' cleavage shots, mixed in with enough self-righteousness and words like "feminism" and "gender roles," can let folks who write for the Internet feel good about themselves. I love boobs. Good night! -- Katherine Rea