02/28/2012 11:39 am ET Updated Apr 29, 2012

Metaphorically Speaking: Overnight Dates Are Windows Into the Future

True Bachelor fans, like myself, know each episode is peppered with metaphors and clichés comparing dates to life's hardships. This particular episode was smothered with them. As my very witty sister said, "if the date can't be a metaphor, the producers can't plan it."

It's overnight date night, which translates roughly into "put out or get out." The ladies are presented with a key to the fantasy suite, as well as an invitation to extend the dinner date into the next morning. As we've seen in past seasons, denying this overnight date does not work well in the contestant's favor.

We've arrived in Interlaken, Switzerland, which, according to Ben, is the capital of extreme sports. Extreme sports are a lot like relationships...

Scream it From the Rooftop Mountaintop

Ben's description of his time spent with Nicki is "comfortable." Which is good, if you are 80 years old and on your fourth marriage. There should be excitement, fun, passion, and spontaneity, along with comfort, of course. But the chemistry is just not there.

The pair take a helicopter ride (cliché #1) to the top of the Swiss Alps for a picnic. Nicki brings up the fact that she was married before (which I always forget), but she is ready to be in love again.

It's so quiet on the mountain, so they feel the need to yell a bit -- Ben makes an awkward gurgle and Nicki says she wants to yell she loves him from the mountaintop, but doesn't (cliché #2 -- wait. No. Who literally gets the chance to scream they love someone from the top of a mountain?! Wasted opportunity, Nicki. And wasted cliché).

The two of them walk towards the helicopter, make like they're getting back in, I blink, and they're quickly transported to the top of another mountain. I'm confused. At least I heard Nicki say something like falling off a mountain is scary, but so are relationships.

Fast forward to the dinner portion of their date, where Nicki professes her love again to Ben and expresses how confident she is that she can make him happy. His body language is hesitant, but he still offers her the overnight card, which she gladly accepts. Since we're not allowed in, we can only assume what goes on...

Fear of Falling

Lindzi is "a little bit country and a little bit city, and she wears them both so well," says Ben (what she doesn't wear is a coat in the middle of the Swiss Alps -- Team Bachelor, where are your wardrobe people? This girl will catch a cold!). She also must have written down an entire page of her greatest fears when submitting her application, because while the other girls are escorted to the market or to the lake, poor Lindzi is dragged up a mountain, only to find out she'll be rappelling back down it.

I should rephrase that -- she will be hanging in the middle of a gorge next to Ben, attached to harnesses and wires. Unless I am mistaken, shouldn't there be feet-to-rock contact to consider this activity rappelling? Regardless, the two acrophobes conquered yet another one of their fears together and successfully exemplified metaphor number three! [In life,] they will have to be "there for each other, just like rappelling off a cliff."

Lindzi and Ben freshen up and meet for their dinner date. If I had a dollar for every time Lindzi or Ben said the word "vulnerable," I would be a very rich girl. Lindzi has been very "guarded" up until this point, but now she's opening up and is showing her vulnerable side. He loves it, and he loves her! He said it! He loves her! (He just can't say it to her).

Lindzi, shocked by the presentation of the overnight card (how are they all so surprised this is coming?!) also accepts the fantasy suite invite.

What Goes Around Comes Around

Team Bachelor really shafted Courtney by giving her a train ride through town and a picnic lunch mere inches away from cows. Though slightly boring, two good things came out of Courtney's date: a fun new game to play any time you're on a farm (Hey, Cow!), and the start of a very dramatic confession.

Ben confronts Courtney about her actions towards the other women, and she says she feels badly. I call BS. Cue the evil Courtney montage! Thank you for that gem, Team Bachelor. Courtney does not feel badly; she planned this from day one.

But Ben doesn't want to spoil this "great" date, so the conversation is to be resumed later. In Courtney's confessional, she weeps, saying she thinks there's a dark cloud over their relationship, and she doesn't know if they can recover. I've got one word for you, Court: karma.

They part ways, and while Ben is getting ready, Kacie B. knocks on the door. Credit is due to the producers here, for making this the most awkward season of The Bachelor. It pained me to watch poor Kacie sputter out her reasoning for flying all the way over to Switzerland (aside from a nice check in her bank account, I'm sure), but, she finally manages to state her purpose(s). Straight hair in place, thanks to the cold Interlaken weather, Kacie reveals she is here for two reasons: to find out why Ben sent her away, and to warn him about Courtney. These "surprise" visits from contestants past are getting old, Team Bachelor (cliché #4!).

Mission One: failed. Though they come from similar families (similar? Papa B. doesn't drink and Ben's blood is made up entirely of red wine... but sure, they're similar), Ben just didn't see a future with Kacie. Change in direction: Kacie decides to warn Ben about Courtney.

Mission Two: somewhat successful. Ben is definitely thrown for a loop after Kacie says Courtney is "in it to win it." With no more left to say, Kacie gets up to leave.

The two do not know how to say goodbye, so they awkwardly step back from each other, one painfully slow step at a time, until Ben shuts the door and Kacie collapses on the [germ-laden hotel] floor for a minute because she's a hot mess. Her words, not mine. But I do agree. The girl can barely catch her breath!

Ben is visibly shaken, but he is still eager to meet Courtney for their dinner date. The conversation from their picnic continues, and Ben is really pleased Courtney apologizes for her mean streak. Ben points out that he has many female family members and friends, and, for this to work, she'll need to get along with them. Courtney cringes inside and agrees.

On with the date! The two baby-talk (now, I cringe) in the hot tub/barrel made for two before Courtney obviously accepts the fantasy suite card.

Will You Accept This Rose?

After a quick chat with Chris Harrison, it's time for Ben to decide which life he wants to be a part of and which life he wants to make a part of his. The first rose goes to Lindzi and the second goes to Courtney.

Ben, dressed as a used car salesman, escorts a crying Nicki out, saying her family was incredible, and so was she (did he just say he liked her family more than he liked her?), but he started to have doubts. And so Nicki is sent away to ugly cry.

As she departs, Nicki reveals she has never been in love with someone who hasn't loved her back, and that hurts. With that single statement, I think she just lost three quarters of her fan base.

So, Bachelor fans, did the clichés and metaphors make you nauseous? What do you think the girls will reveal on Women Tell All? How excited are you to watch Emily as the Bachelorette? Drop me a line!