Being a divorced person for six years, I think I can paint a pretty accurate picture of some of the typical traits I see in divorced men. Of course, I realize every man is unique, but these are just some features that I notice a lot.
Just like divorced women, divorced men are wounded. It's very obvious. They want to be loved, they want to be treated with kindness, they want to feel appreciated, and they want to feel like they are still capable of being in a healthy relationship. All that said, they don't want to be smothered. They don't want a needy woman who is demanding. And they don't want to feel obligated to do anything! Some divorced men want to fall in love right away, and some want to take their time.
Here are nine ways to get your divorced boyfriend to fall in love with you.
1. Never talk about the future. "Where is this going?" "What are we doing?" "Do you think I'm the one?" No divorced guy wants to be asked these questions. He has no clue as to what the answers are. All he knows is, he just got divorced and can only handle the present for right now. So, enjoy the relationship for today. Talk only in present terms. Talk about how much you are enjoying each other. Let time pass and let him breathe and get to the future. He will love you for giving him the gift of time.
2. Give him space. The guy recently got out of a long term relationship (his marriage.) He doesn't need a girlfriend who he has to call every two minutes, or who he feels obligated to go out with every Saturday night. Let him spend time with his guy friends. Let him spend time with his children. Let him spend time alone. Give him space, and he will want you more.
3. Be the fun girl. Chances are, the last few months (or years) of his marriage weren't fun. He probably can't remember the last time he had a good time. Be the girl who takes him to cool restaurants, who suggests an interesting museum, who makes him watch one of your favorite movies he's never seen. Show him you. Help him remember that relationships are fun and enriching.
4. Minimize nagging. Excessive nagging leads to getting dumped. Fast. No guy wants a girl who is constantly telling him what he can and can't do, badgering him about the things he does wrong and the bad habits he has. Accept what he is or break up with him.
5. Show him the right amount of affection. With divorced guys, there's a fine line when it comes to how much affection they want to be shown. Divorced men want to be adored. They want cheek kisses and hand holding and hugs and an arm around them at times. They've most likely had a lack of those things for awhile. On the other hand, they don't want to be smothered. He doesn't want you plopping yourself down on his lap and making out at the dinner table at a fancy restaurant. Somewhere in between platonic-like touching and mauling makes a divorced guy happy.
6. Avoid playing games. Unlike guys before marriage, divorced guys aren't into games. If you like him, he wants to know. Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel. If he calls you, call him back. If he texts, answer the text. No need to wait two days so he will think you're cool. Divorced guys don't get scared as much as they did before marriage. They like commitment. On the other hand, if you start calling him your soul mate, start texting him every five seconds, and talk about the details of your future wedding, he will run.
7. Don't pressure him to spend time with your kids. He's trying to spend time with his own kids, who he sees so much less than he did when he was married. Why should he feel pressured to be with your kids? It's not personal. I'm sure he likes your kids. Let the whole kid thing breathe, and it will happen naturally.
8. Display acts of kindness. Chances are, when your guy was married, his wife wasn't very nice to him. I'm not faulting her, by the way. Whatever the situation was, at the end of the marriage, she was most likely anything but sugary sweet. So, he needs sweet. Be sweet. Send him a card, just to be nice. Buy him new cologne for no occasion. Give him a back rub. Make him a nice dinner. Acts of kindness go a long way. And, they are usually reciprocated.
9. Focus on your career. There is nothing sexier to a man than a girl who loves her career, who has a passion for her work, and who goes to her job everyday with enthusiasm. But, don't just find a job you love like this for a guy, do it for yourself!
Jackie Pilossoph is the author of the blog, Divorced Girl Smiling. She is also the author of the comedic novel, FREE GIFT WITH PURCHASE about life after divorce. Ms. Pilossoph is a weekly business features reporter for the Pioneer Press, with the monthly column, "Heart of the North Shore." She lives in Chicago with her two kids. And she's divorced (obviously.)