05/18/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Dennis C. Blair: Justifing Torture Never Sounded So Sweet

Thus spoke Dennis C. Blair, director of National Intelligence:

"Those methods, read on a bright, sunny, safe day in April 2009, appear graphic and disturbing. But we will absolutely defend those who relied on these methods."

Tell it on the mountain, brotha! There's shit we don't understand when it comes to these torture memos! There's shit all of us can't get! For fuck's sake, did you know that every single person who was writing these damn things had to share an office that overlooked where the plane had hit the pentagon? And that they put mirrors in the room to make sure that any time you looked at any surface, that's all you saw? And that they decorated the room with posters of the second tower coming down? These fuckers were in pain!

We don't get it, ok? Because these people who were writing these documents? They were special, sensitive people. Way more sensitive than you or I, selected specially to be sensitive people writing torture documents. Have you looked at pictures of John Woo? You know that motherfucker'd cry from the first abdominal slap. Cause not only is he sensitive, looks like the Pillsbury god-damn dough boy.

What's more, let us not forget that times were different then. This wasn't the go-go 2003's, this was back in 2002. We were damn primitives then! YouTube was still three years away from evolving us all to a higher plane of spiritual and emotional consciousness! These fuckers hadn't even seen the Star Wars Kid yet! Men made fire with sticks! We can't judge them by today's standards! Think, motherfuckers, think!

Thank you, Dennis, for showing all of us who think that people should actually pay for their crimes against humanity that we just don't understand. You are truly a one-eyed man in the land of the blind.

You limp-dicked motherfucker.