02/20/2015 03:11 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

9 Horrible Thoughts I've Had as a Parent

I have thought some regrettable things in my six years a parent (to three kids). A lot. I love my kids so much, but there are days when I fantasize that they are like the kids I see in movies: angelic, well-behaved and well-mannered. Some days they are those kids and others... well, small kids are very much like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.


Here are 9 horrible thoughts I've had as a parent:

1. Where can I return them?
There are days when I wish there was a return/exchange lane for my children. Sort of like Costco's no-questions-asked return policy.

2. Will you just shut up already?!
I really can't break up another fight or answer another question on some days.

3. Oh my God, is it bedtime yet?
Is it wrong to change the clocks in their room at 5 p.m. and tell them it's bed time?

4. These aren't my kids.
Surely, they are the devil's spawn.

5. Will you just shut up already! Oh, I said that already?
Well, I say it a lot in my head, too. "Why is the light not green yet?" "When will it be 4 o'clock?" "What did God say to Adam and Eve?" "Where do bugs sleep?" "Where are my crayons?" "What's for dinner?" "How old are you?" "Mom?" "Mommy?" "Mama?" The questions never stop!

6. They're hungry again?

Didn't I just feed them?

7. Go the f*ck to sleep.
That wasn't an original thought. We've all thunk it.

8. I should have married ______.
My kids would have been angels if I had his babies.

9. I am a bad mother.
I shouldn't have given them cereal for dinner, shouldn't have let them have their iPad all night... take your pick. This is actually a daily thought.

What about you? Have you ever had these thoughts? Any others?
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