THE BLOG
09/29/2014 02:01 pm ET Updated Nov 29, 2014

Breaking: Dude with 38,000 Twitter Followers Stops Tweeting. Nothing Changes.

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The world of social networking was rocked today when, after a dude who had amassed over 38,000 followers on Twitter abruptly decided to delete his account, nothing of any appreciable change was recorded in the day-to-day workings of the universe.

"I kind of liked that dude," said one Twitter user who was pretty certain he saw some thought-provoking tweets from the guy while scrolling through the 2, 476 other accounts he follows.

"Yeah, that one time he posted a link to a blog with a negative opinion of Guardians of the Galaxy and that was pretty interesting," noted another user of Twitter who was also texting, watching a streaming episode of Orange is the New Black and ordering toner on Amazon at the same time. "Anyway, I have to go to work."

According to sources at the United Nations, neither the troubling events in Syria or Ukraine have changed in the slightest in the wake of a man with so many thousands of Twitter followers deciding to call it quits.

Similarly, nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence continue to be leaked, their presence on the Internet not in the least diminished by news of a guy with a pretty decent amount of followers taking himself out of their Twitter timelines.

Perhaps most startlingly, the birth and death rates of the human species have remained at their current figures, and the earth itself continues to rotate on its axis.

All of this despite the fact that a dude who had finally, after many years, amassed a pretty respectable following on Twitter -- I mean, not like Stephen Colbert's numbers or The New York Times or anything, but damned impressive considering he was just a dude -- stopped Tweeting.

The dude was not available for comment, but one of his final tweets was said to have questioned why the world needed yet another average person's heartfelt commentary on the passing of Joan Rivers.

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