05/14/2012 10:09 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Divorce Should Be Between a Man and a Woman


I suppose we will have to leave it up to individual states to decide the outcome of this volatile issue, but why aren't more Americans standing up for the fact that the sacred ritual of divorce should only be allowed between a man and a woman?

I have always seen the decision to end a loveless, misconceived relationship as something God intended solely for the convenience of heterosexual couples. Marriage is hard work, and choosing to give up on it because you can't put aside your own ego and need to be right in every situation is a privilege offered to men and women from time immemorial. Similarly, enduring a loveless marriage until the kids grow up and leave the house and then finally putting yourself on the market again is a right enjoyed almost exclusively up to now by different-sex couples. Hacking off a meaningful relationship at the knees over petty power struggles rather than easing into a lifetime together and learning and growing through the difficulties; this is a powerful option that males and females have long been able to use to avoid facing themselves. And then, of course, there is marrying the first unformed loser you fall in love with in high school, whether because of a pregnancy or because you don't know any better, and shortly thereafter realizing there is a whole world of interesting people out there who make your recently-acquired spouse have all the allure of a television test pattern.

These time-honored techniques used to sever the bonds between two unrepentant morons have, for the most part, been employed by one man and one woman. It goes without saying that the first thing that will happen when same-sex marriage becomes the norm is that homosexual couples will have these same options when they feel like calling it quits. What is even more galling is that recent statistics show a good many gay couples haven't even been taking advantage of divorce. I ask you: how can we trust them with marriage if we cannot trust them with wanting to get out of a marriage like the rest of us?

There are some things that were meant to be strictly between a man and a woman. Divorce is one of them.

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the web can be found here.