06/04/2013 06:32 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

My Parent Could Paint That! Signed, a Five-Year-Old


What are you, kidding me? People are willing to shell out piles of cash for these paintings? I mean, look at them! They don't even look like anything.

I don't know much about art, but I'll tell you what: my parent could paint that!

I'm serious. My father, whose idea of culture is that show about duck hunters, could, like, so totally easily just take a bunch of paint and pieces of egg carton and slam it onto a canvas so it looks like something snobby rich people would find interesting. I don't even think he knows how to stretch a canvas, but I'll bet it would be tougher to do that than come up with some puked-up collection of colors that are supposed to represent the inevitability of failed interpersonal relationships when you step back about eight feet from them while holding your plate of soda crackers and brie.

My mom, she could paint stuff like this, too. With one hand tied behind her back. In fact, she could have both hands tied behind her back and just spit the paint and auto parts onto the canvas and make something better than this overrated so-called masterpiece.

And don't I wish mom and dad could get paid the kind of money the bozos who churn out stuff like this get. Man, my folks could set me up with a killer trust fund in no time if they could track down the suckers who will cough up a quarter of a million dollars for something that looks like someone just upended the dumpster out in back of a Panda Inn and called it art.

So, don't give me any of your highbrow interpretations of the voracity of the potentiality of the play of negative opposites. I can see this stuff for what it is. And my freaking parent could paint that!


A Five-Year-Old

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the web can be found here.