03/29/2012 02:10 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Titanic 3D Now Has Two More Dimensions Than Its Characters


The highly-anticipated 3D re-release of the 1997 blockbuster Titanic promises moviegoers not only the chance to see one of the most brilliantly staged disaster sequences in movie history, but also fully two more dimensions to its characters than it had upon its original release.

"Prior to this 3D event," said entertainment reporter Joel Wilson, "audiences were forced to watch Titanic in 2D, which provided only a single extra dimension to compliment the one-dimensional experience provided by such stock characters as the hotheaded bohemian iconoclast Jack, who is clearly a better choice for the passionate, ready-to-bloom ingénue Rose than is her priggish, possessive, unimaginative fiancé Caledon."

Now, says Wilson, there is at last a new, third dimension added onto these paper-thin characterizations to help further distract audiences from their thuddingly obvious interpretations.

"There's no doubt that as filmed spectacles go, Titanic is a stunner," Wilson continues. "And James Cameron is really quite the master storyteller. But when it comes to creating fleshed-out characters, I've seen more nuance on Saved by the Bell."

"And," says film historian Edgar Salazar, "don't get me started on the dialogue in Titanic. As far as I'm concerned, "I'm the king of the world" is right up there with "Into the garbage chute, flyboy."

So far, reaction to this reissue of Titanic has been positive among those polled at a recent preview screening, although not perhaps for the reasons one might expect. Most audience members were simply grateful that there was, as yet, no way to generate a 3D version of Celine Dion singing "My Heart Will Go On."

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the web can be found here.