11/02/2008 01:44 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Thanks for the Warning GOP; We'll Keep That in Mind!

You've got to give real credit to these sensible, noble Republicans,
who, forced to watch their presidential candidate's campaign begin an
ignoble nose-dive, have been gracious enough to warn American voters against
the dangers of letting the Democrats gain control of both houses of Congress
as well. Just this past weekend, the RNC, campaign co-chair Tom Ridge,
pundits like David Frum, and even ol' John McCain himself, lined up to
wisely and generously counsel us to "balance" the increasingly likely
Presidency of Barack Obama with a solid crop of pragmatic conservatives in
Congress, and avoid the potential nightmare of "one-party rule."

Well, I just wanna say, thanks fellas. That sure is admirable of
you -- real "Country First" stuff. After all, just imagine the cataclysmic
consequences if both the White House and Congress were controlled by
Democrats. Things could really get bad in this great land of ours: why, we
might even see a steep, historic plunge in housing prices, a precipitous
drop in consumer confidence and a plummeting, out-of-control stock market.
Without the all-important "checks and balances" provided by sturdy,
real-world Republican senators and congressmen, we might even find ourselves
overstretched in a couple of ill-advised wars around the globe, with a
trigger-happy and arrogant foreign policy, which could do irreparable damage
to our image globally. Gosh, we can't let that happen. Things are going so

And just imagine the devastation to our environment should there not be
enough eco-friendly Republicans around to provide forward-thinking
leadership on renewable energy and protection of our wildlife and
coastlines. Jeez Louise, let's not be forced to dodge a bullet here, people;
are you really going to let Harry "Class Struggle" Reid and Nancy "The
Bolshevik" Pelosi run wild in the legislative streets for the next two
years? Think of the dangers: Without a strong Republican counterweight,
Congress might well get constantly bogged down by obstruction, in-fighting
and filibustering, and that would surely begin to deteriorate the sterling
national identity and public confidence that Congress has thoughtfully
crafted for the last eight years.

Most of all, imagine the terrible toll on all the poor Joe the Plumbers
out there should Barack Obama's neo-Marxist tax code get passed by a
Leninist-leaning, "tax-and-spend" Congress. Mr. Wurzelbrachelbacher would be
forced by these "redistributionistas" to accept a significant break on his
taxes, plus receive tax credits for every new job his (admittedly
fictitious) plumbing firm creates; and I'm sure you know where that road
leads: making sure that every American profits when the country does well,
not just the already fabulously rich. Yep; you heard it: "spreading the
wealth around." Who ever heard of a progressive tax structure (besides
McCain's hero Teddy Roosevelt)? Menshevik madness! Talk about a Red Scare;
where's Michelle Bachman when we need a "real," "pro-American" hero?

So rather than rail against these sober, well-meaning
Republicans -- especially those world-weary conservative pundits who are
beginning to admit probable defeat, even as they "warn" against the dangers
of a Dem-deluge -- let's be sure to thank them in advance for looking out for
us and saving us from driving ourselves over a Trotskyite cliff. These
buttoned-downed truth agents, from Bill Kristol to Charles Krauthammer, have
clearly done their historic homework, and they simply wouldn't want the
country to get off of the excellent track that we've been on since St.
George so convincingly slew the Dragon Gore back in 2000. Look; after all
the great, unselfish advice they've given us over the years -- on free-market
economics, unilateral foreign policy, the response to Hurricane Katrina,
caring for the environment, and the urgency of maintaining America's
"essential" Christian values -- we'd be doggone crazy not to heed their sage
counsel this time around.