THE BLOG
01/18/2012 06:19 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Lesbians Are Forever: A Gay Take on Kay Jewelers' Commercials

'Tis the season for retail love, and, as jewelers would have it, a time to prove your love in diamonds. Even though matrimony is on the decline -- 20 percent fewer adults are married now than in 1960, due in part to the rise of living in sin and the Kardashians -- the ooey-gooey jewelry ads started pre-Chriatmas, and thanks to Valentine's Day, the ubiquitous spots will continue until the snow melts (our hearts).

The commercials seem to bother almost everyone, although they must trigger some man to head to the mall or they wouldn't air. As a lesbian, I find the ads particularly annoying. The closest thing I'm going to get this year to watching a gay proposal on TV is Hillary Clinton's address to the U.N. on global gay rights. I just wish girlfriend had gotten down on one knee.

Here's a trio of ghosts from holiday ads past, courtesy of Kay Jewelers. If you have a jewelry gem to share, please post below. And if you do get engaged this holiday season, mazel tov.

"Empty Box"

This commercial tries to up the trendy factor with its "Office"-style shots, and I feel really connected to Sarah and Henry after joining them on their vacation. Unfortunately, the groom confuses love with a leg cramp. I give them six months.

"Closed-Captioning"

After seeing this ad, I believe love should have the option of closed-captioning. It would up the communication between couples and act as a relationship transcript to prove to my girlfriend, once and for all, that she never said anything about not wanting another cat. But it's the last few seconds of this ad that are more priceless than the watch. Somehow, the deaf girlfriend saying, "Read my lips," seems as offensive as her boyfriend buying her a CD.

"Benchmark"

Welcome to the world's dullest and cheapest relationship. They met on what appears to be a loading dock. First date, coffee shop; first kiss, a stoop. And his perfect spot to propose? A bench. I bet that crappy ring cost $100, and they're saving (missionary-style) sex for marriage.