THE BLOG
12/11/2014 02:08 pm ET Updated Feb 10, 2015

Interview at the Red Nose Saloon

During this time of the year one man in particular starts to get all the attention. Yes, Santa Claus is no stranger to the limelight, but as we all know, behind every successful man stands an even more successful, understanding and brilliant woman. So who is Mrs Claus? And how does she feel about the supportive role she plays in the life of her husband?

I caught up with the season's most unsung heroine a few days ago at the Red Nose Saloon where she was taking a break from programming a GPS system for her husband. Over a few extra dry martinis, she happily agreed to give me this exclusive interview.

JE: So, tell me Mrs. Claus, what's it like being married to a Seasonal Superstar?

Mrs. Claus: Well, to be quite honest, it's far from jolly. I've tried putting him on a diet but every year I swear, I have to add another panel to his goddamn suit. It's bad enough that I have to work for months to get rid of the smoky smell. If he prefers going down chimneys (while I wait patiently at the Pole) I don't know why he won't wear the dark suit I made for him.

JE: So, this is a very busy time for you, I gather.

Mrs. Claus: You don't know the half of it. I much prefer Valentine's day. That's when we have the entire Pole all to ourselves. If you know what I mean.

JE: Yes, I can tell by your smile that you haven't lost that lovin' feeling. Was it love at first sight between the two of you?

At this question, Mrs. Claus laughed like a hyena before answering.

Mrs. Claus: It was actually his lap which drew me to him. I fell in love at first bounce. Right then, I knew we were soul mates.

JE: So what is your typical day like at this time of year?

Mrs. Claus: Well, I usually get up around 6:30. Put on a pot of coffee. Check emails. Tweet a greeting. Pin a few photos of the elves (not on a shelf), but busy working. Post a Facebook status or two. Then I go to the mailroom and make sure it's all running smoothly before heading over to the workshop. Around 8:30, I wake up his highness, who claims he needs his beauty rest this time of year. Like anyone even sees him making his deliveries!

JE: Do you help with the toy production?

Mrs. Claus: Most definitely. But even more importantly, if it weren't for me, the presents wouldn't be delivered on time.

JE: Why is that?

Mrs. Claus: Because I'm just now perfecting his new GPS system. Like any man, he's so darn stubborn, he won't stop and ask for directions. Every year he gets lost somewhere around the tropics.

JE: So, not only are you a seamstress but a computer programmer as well? You're quite an amazing woman. What other talents to you have up your sleeve?

Mrs. Claus: Well, along with longitudes and latitudes I'm adding a few attitude reminders to the system. You know, little sayings such as... 'Keep smiling. You're halfway there. I'll be waiting up for you. Keep on sleddin'. I've been a good girl, so let's get naughty when you get back.' Anything to stop him slugging back too much sherry and homemade cookies on his rounds.

JE: Sounds like you pretty much run the show on Christmas Eve
.
Mrs. Claus: I'm a Taurus, you know. But I'm not as stubborn as they say. I just like things done my way. And my way makes Christmas Eve a success...year after year after year.
.
JE: What do you do in your spare time? That is if you have any.

Mrs. Claus: I've started a blog. Tonight I'm chatting about Men with Beards and The Women Who Love Them. And I'm working on a naughty versus nice app, which should be available next year.

At this point in our interview her cell phone rang playing the song Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.

JE: I like your ring tone.

Mrs. Claus: Well, actually, it has a different meaning for me than the rest of the world
.
JE: I'm sure it does.

Mrs. Claus: Look I'm really sorry - I have to go. The elves are up in arms again. He has no idea how to manage them properly - won't accept that they are fully unionized now. You can't have them working all through the night any more. Men. They all think they are so smart. The trick, which really isn't all that hard, is to make them think they're the ones making the decisions.
.
JE: No problem. Perhaps we can continue this another time? I know there are a lot of women who could benefit from your wisdom.

Mrs. Claus : It would be my pleasure. I'll check my phone and get back to you.

With that Mrs. Claus downed her martini in one gulp, and headed back to work. Her husband might be the one getting all the glory, but clearly without Mrs. Claus, Christmas morning wouldn't be quite the way we know it.