09/16/2013 09:44 am ET Updated Nov 16, 2013

7 Books I'll Never Write Because I'm Lazy, Impatient, and Just Not a Very Good Writer

Like anyone and everyone, I have ideas all the time for books I might write. Unfortunately I'm work-shy, undisciplined, and a terrible writer to boot. But, dang it, does that mean I can't dream?

Here are seven titles I dreamt up but have no intention of even starting, let alone completing.

Is That Two Pepsi Cans Taped Together or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
Erotic Mystery

Chan-juan works at a Chinatown massage parlor. One of her regular clients, Mr. Goldblatt, is a successful businessman with a very big secret. What is the secret? Does it have something to do with two Pepsi cans taped together? Yes.

The Power Of Pfff

Overcome all life's obstacles with apathy! Lost your wallet? Pfff. Urinating mud? Pfff. Accidently met Jeremy Piven? Pfff. Face everyday challenges head on with the invincible force of indifference.

Nightmares in the Key of Jazz

Gordon Popwell is afraid to sleep because he keeps dreaming about Jazz music. In his desperate search for a cure he enlists the help of an old gypsy who instructs him to defecate into a tube sock and put it under his pillow.

Toots Mahogany Wants His Beans
Action Adventure

Everyone seems to be enjoying beans but Toots Mahogany. Where are his beans? Fed up with his miserable bean situation, Toots concocts a plan that will redress the balance and get him some beans of his own.

French Moments

I have never been to France nor have I met a Frenchman. However, I have done a lot of things that were typiquement Français. In French Moments I detail events in my life like: the time my dog did his business on the street and I just left it there; the time I was rude to a stranger who needed directions; that other time when I decided to smoke cigarettes and eat at the same time.

Time Wanker
Historical Adventure

A young man discovers that by increasing the speed with which he masturbates he is able to travel through time. Join Chas Smith as he materializes with his pants down in places like: the coronation of Napoleon, the Normandy Landings, an elevator with Ray Charles and more!

Where is All This Fucking Kale Coming From?
Conspiracy Theory

Suddenly kale is everywhere and everyone is eating it. But where did all this green stuff come from? Former U.S. Naval Intelligence Officer Burl Quads and I uncover the sinister government plot to make everyone eat a shit-load of fucking kale.