09/16/2014 06:05 pm ET Updated Nov 16, 2014

How Not to Plan a Wedding in 8 Easy Steps

1. Before you do anything else, ask your friends and family how they think you should get married. Get as many opinions as possible -- it's always better to make highly personal decisions with the doubts of others swirling around inside your head.

2. Hire a travel agent and pay them hundreds of dollars to tell you that you're only viable destination-wedding option is an all-inclusive resort in Mexico that he/she directly profits from. You won't regret it!

3. Set a budget and then go back on it once you realize you're heading down an aisle of all-inclusive disappointment (see number 2).

4. Add enough money (that you don't have) to the budget to make you remember why you chose your original budget in the first place. Then rebel against your financial reality by saying unproductive things like, "**** it. Why don't we just elope?"

5. Narrow it down to two to three locations, then listen to the second thoughts that are telling you to add two or three more just in case the first two or three aren't really what you both might be wanting in the back of your minds.

6. Once you're confident in your selected location, click over to TripAdvisor and scroll directly to the 1-star reviews. Read on until you've convinced yourself that you're going to have the exact same negative experience as the reviewer, only much worse.

7. Create a comprehensive guest list that includes people you're hoping won't come but feel the need to invite due to pressure from your other guests.

8. Find someone who thinks of themselves as a wedding coordinator but isn't, get their entirely one-sided feedback often, and whatever you do, don't end any of your conversations until they've made you feel like you're not doing anything right, let alone in the proper order.