In my new book, Finding Mr. Brightside, Juliette gets dragged out onto the dance floor by twerking dervish Heidi and instinctive robot buster-outer Abram. What does any of that even mean? You're about to find out.
Here are the 8 known dance floor archetypes (that I can currently think of):
1. Twerking dervish. Has a tendency to indiscriminately rub butt upon the fronts and/or backsides of others. Can often be heard encouraging fellow dancers to do the same/return the favor ("Get it!!!"), as is the case with lovable scene-stealer Heidi in Finding Mr. Brightside.
2. This-is-my-song claimer. Known to exhibit irrational possessiveness whenever familiar with a song. Doesn't matter if everyone else has heard it, they believe themselves to have been the first (well before the DJ). Can be heard shouting "This is my sooooong, you guys!" several times throughout the song's duration -- the half-hearted acknowledgment of others does not seem to deter additional claims.
3. Ironic snapper. The too-cool-for-Ke$ha type who hides enthusiasm for guilty musical pleasures underneath a veil of sarcastic dance gestures. Snaps fingers as a signal to others who are enjoying themselves that he/she could really take it or leave in the next 15 minutes.
4. Awkward giraffe swayer. A genuinely nice person of above-average height who wants to be involved in the fun but pretty much just stands there not bringing anything to the table. Moves shoulders in swaying motion every once in a while -- the only move in their arsenal -- in a way that says, "Hi, I'm still coming to terms with my body type."
5. Lonely love-song ruiner. Uses a variety of "I'm single but not by choice" distraction tactics whenever the DJ slows things down. Known to grab someone who they're obviously not dating (e.g., a fellow dancer who's much younger or older) in an attempt to beat judgmental onlookers to the punch with self-deprecating humor.
6. In-it-for-the-long-hauler. Someone who's been waiting for this night for-e-ver, and nothing is going to stop them from dancing it away, including visible sweat stains on dancing-friendly clothing. Disappointed if not the first to arrive and last to leave. Does not take water or alcohol breaks unless it's possible to keep dancing while doing so. Will dance with anyone -- does not care, just wants to dance, it's been so long.
7. Instinctive robot buster-outer. Has a knack for the absolute perfect time to bust out the robot. Usually inspires one or two others to follow suit, but they're rarely as naturally good at it. Not to be confused with the Ironic Snapper, who will use the robot as a sarcastic defense mechanism to remind everyone that, at the end of the day, we're all still adults here.
8. Electric Slide specialist. Will not stop requesting the you-know-what until it's played. Usually disappears shortly after song's conclusion, only to reemerge requesting the Cha Cha Slide when enough time has passed that they think they can get away with it. Impervious to the groans of others.
Am I missing anybody? Post your archetype in the Comments section before the Electric Slide specialist requests the Macarena!
And don't forget to enter my Finding Mr. Brightside giveaway!