THE BLOG
09/02/2008 12:30 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Entourage : Season 5 Spoiler Alert!

Think Entourage is an all-style-no-substance show about five guys living charmed lives? Well...you're right! But this season the writing staff digs deep and keeps it real.

Episode 1: Vince undergoes a requisite physical before production starts on his new blockbuster movie. Bad news. He has syphilis. The gang is devastated. Ari, his agent, has an emotional breakdown. Vince withdraws to reflect on the importance of personal responsibility and vows to embrace a life of spiritual fulfillment. But then the doctor calls. It's a mutated version of syphilis. The kind that fights aging! And makes your penis bigger! The gang high-fives and takes off for Vegas. Turtle gets high.

Episode 2: Turtle and Drama drive along Santa Monica Boulevard looking for the new Thai massage parlor. Turtle drops his stash and, while reaching down to grab it, mows down a small child crossing the intersection. His life flashes before his eyes as they pull over and rush to the scene to inspect the carnage. The cops arrive and Turtle places his hands on the car hood, awaiting his fate. Suddenly, the cops rush over and give him a big hug. The kid was an Al Qaeda operative on his way to blow up a Wal-Mart. Turtle has saved the day! He is given the key to the city. Drama does it with the kid's mom.

Episode 3: Ari tells Lloyd, his gay Asian-American assistant, that he looks like General Tso's butt plug. Lloyd chuckles and pretends to scold Ari. A Human Resources representative passes by and notes the insult. He sends Lloyd an email reminding him of the agency's sexual harassment policy and offers his assistance. But Lloyd won't hear of it. He has disturbingly low self-esteem and subconsciously feels that his cringe-inducing, oversold, effeminate affectations deserve mocking. Besides, he long ago sold his soul to the devil for even the slightest chance of career advancement. He enters Ari's office, kneels, and begins to spit shine his boss's new Prada wingtips. Elsewhere, Turtle gets high.

Episode 4: Drama celebrates his fortieth birthday, but tells everyone it's only his thirty-fourth. Later, after the guests have gone home, he wanders into the bathroom and stares intently into the mirror. He is aging. He contemplates how much longer he will be viable in Hollywood. He questions the choices he's made in life and his failure to nurture and sustain a relationship outside of his much younger brother and his friends. He fears dying alone. As his finger slowly traces the contours of his once youthful profile, he turns to find two Playboy playmates standing at his doorway, the money Vince gave them peeking out of their thongs. Drama looks blankly at both of them, disrobes in silence, pausing only to inform them that it's been a long night so they'll have to be on top.

Episode 5: Unhappy with the changes the studio has made to the script for Vince's latest feature, Eric leaps up on the Paramount chairman's desk, takes a piss on the pages, and loudly proclaims, "that's how we negotiate in Queens, bitch." Apoplectic, the studio head lunges at him, knocking both him and the script to the ground. Reaching for a blunt object, he suddenly notices that the urine has blotted out random words on the script, thereby forming an entirely new and brilliant piece of work. He holds it up and caresses it. Eric wins an Oscar for best original screenplay and fondles his date, Giselle Bundchen, before rising to approach the stage. Turtle leans over and asks Giselle if she wants a bong hit.