01/11/2013 03:01 pm ET Updated Mar 13, 2013

The NRA's Plans for Safer Schools

In light of recent events, concerned Americans have stormed Washington to demand badly needed gun legislation. After years of terrible tragedies, one following another in a relentless torrent of mayhem, concerned citizens have finally reached a very logical conclusion, the only conclusion that can, at this point, be reached: Gun violence will continue until more individuals in schools are allowed to carry guns. Denying this truth is like denying the importance of maintaining a standing militia in the 21st century.

For the future our country and our children, we hope Congress and the president will heed the calls for action and the following common-sense programs can be implemented.

Helping Handguns

We trust our teachers with our children -- we trust them with their lives. Isn't it irresponsible not to give them the tools they need to truly protect them? The Helping Handguns program is designed to do just that. The National Rifle Association will offer free courses around the country every summer to instruct educators in the responsible use of firearms, each course culminating in a simulated firefight staged in an accurate mock-up of the teacher's classroom. Come September, when that teacher goes back into her classroom with her custom-selected handgun strapped securely to her hip, she's going to have a huge advantage on any potential shooter -- she'll know all the sight lines, all possible trajectories, and every decent vantage point from which to get off her shot. And really, what teacher wouldn't mind having a gun now and then? Anyone who's ever spent time in a roomful of five-year-olds knows you can't have too many "tools in your toolbox." In the chaos of a post-lunch kindergarten, a warning shot or two never hurt anyone (not recommended for multi-story schools).


Here's something we can all agree on: Little boys love guns. All parents know that if you take away a boy's toy gun, he will improvise and turn any available object into one (gun-control nuts, take note). The Kinder-Heater program is just an extension of this unquenchable love with a practical application. Special after-school programs will gently introduce children in a non-fearful way to the joy of self-protection through Glockie, the lovable, kid-friendly safety mascot that's been teaching kids safety for years through the NRA's outreach programs, "arming by disarming." Kids really love Glockie. This funny, mustachioed goof talks through the barrel of a giant, fuzzy semi-automatic pistol with friendly advice like "Never try to reload a 9 mm pistol with a clip from a 32! That's a Glockie not- ty!" Oh, Glockie.

Another thing we can all agree on: Little girls love dolls. Will they love their doll any less if, by pressing the doll's nose and sharply rotating its head a quarter turn, they can fire small-caliber hollow-point bullets out of both of its legs, potentially taking out an assailant and saving the lives of their classmates? No, and they also won't complain about the Disney princess backpack (with special compartments for extra clips) that comes with each American Gun Doll.

Once the Kinder-Heater program is in place, it's only a matter of practice before schools become absolutely shooter-proof. There is no substitute for preparation, and since cash-strapped schools have already phased out physical education from their curriculums, why not introduce a daily drill with dummy bullets? Students can take turns pretending to be the shooter, an experience which will no doubt make any student less likely to take on the role in real life.

The Stand-Your-Playground

With a few adjustments, a standard elementary-school playground can be transformed into a formidable security perimeter that will provide cover and perfect vantage points for defending a school against any shooter. Swings, depending on their positioning, provide defensive and offensive advantages in a firefight: They turn a student into a moving target that's difficult to hit while giving that same student, at the apex of the swing's trajectory, a lethal shot down into where a shooter might be hiding. With the application of just a couple sheets of bullet-resistant polymer, a jungle gym becomes a parapet that can give cover to up to 10 youngsters and their weapons. And in the event of a full-scale assault on the school, teeter totters have the capability of launching howitzer shells up to 50 meters with startling accuracy. Just stay away from the monkey bars. Those things are dangerous.

NOTE: This piece is satirical. All quotations are fabrications for the purpose of satire.