12/31/2007 04:23 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

New Year's Letter from God

Dear Creation,

With a New Year just around the corner, I want to clear up some things that have been troubling Me. There is a wicked and blasphemous rumor floating around the Universe that I Am a card-carrying Republican. Finally, I want to settle the question: Who are You?

I Am a Liberal. I forgot to include it in the Ten Commandments, but I want you to be liberal, too. Liberal with your love . . . liberal with your forgiveness . . . liberal with your tolerance . . . and liberal with your compassion.

But, I Am also a Conservative. I want you to conserve My Earth -- its water, air, and soil. And while you're at it, I want you to conserve the ancient ideals: mercy, justice, and truth.

Don't forget to conserve freedom. It was such a great ideas that I implanted it in the heart of anyone who would listen to Me. Just remember, I didn't grant you freewill to give away to some cockamamie preacher or politician. Treasure it as the great gift I intended it to be.

If you're not too confused by now, let me add that I Am a Centrist, too. My greatest desire is to be in the center of your life and thoughts. Trust Me on this one.

Many of you continue to bug Me with the age-old question of mankind: "Why am I here on earth?" It's to make Me look good. That's it! The theologian guys say it's "to glorify God and to enjoy him forever." Same thing.

Do you know who really makes Me look good? Children and puppies. It's their traits of sincerity, simplicity, trust, and joy that please Me most of all.

On the other hand, hypocrites make Me look bad . . . and feel bad. So it saddens Me that some of you have taken My name, but not My ways. Those self-serving schmucks that you see quoting Me on television or from their pulpits, or during a press conference should be sued for plagiarism and slander. (When I can find a lawyer around this place, I intend to press charges.)

Just kidding, with the old joke. I really love lawyers. Moses was a lawyer. He was also a great "chiseler." How do you think the two of us got My words carved into those stone tablets?

I'm sorry I didn't spell out My commandments more clearly on the tablets, but I ran out of space and Moses was getting tired. So permit Me to update Myself. I will refrain from writing in Hebrew, so you have no excuse for misinterpreting My intent.

Here are a few additional Commandments:

Eleventh: Power is not a permission slip for lying, prying, outing, smearing, hurting, cheating, or abusing -- no exceptions.

Twelfth: Torture is an abomination -- what in Heaven's Name ever made you think otherwise!!

Thirteenth: Forget the poor, the hurting, and the helpless and when you die, the man in the red suit that greets you will not be Santa Claus.

Got it?

Despite the mess you have made of My Earth, I have renewed your contract for another year. Frankly, I did it because I need your help to fix the planet. I know that sounds strange coming from the Creator, the Almighty, the Eternal One, but that's the way the Divine Plan is set up.

So, for God's sake, please help me here, folks. Working together we can make a difference . . . we always have.

Tell everybody I love them. I'm still around 24/7. So, stay in touch.

G .

(Halo tip to George Burns)

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