07/26/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Judgement Day -- One Final Request

Greetings! This is your official check-out notification. We hope your
stay on the world has been pleasant. Now it's over. Finito. No more
tomorrows for the human race. Sorry for the lack of any prior indication
the end was near, but in our experience we've found that highly evolved planetary
inhabitants handle this situation better if there's no advance warning.

Before departing, however, we' d like you to take a few moments and
complete a short survey. The answers will help us focus on areas for
improvement in the future.

1) Was the rotation of the Earth satisfactory? (Yes or No)

2) If you circled No, what was the problem?
A) Too many daylight hours.
B) Not enough daylight hours.
C) Want total darkness 24/7
D) Prefer non-stop illumination with hazy overcast on weekends

3) How would you rate the atmosphere?
A) Excellent
B) Acceptable
C) Better than methane vapor but nothing to write home about

4) Was the average person's life span
A) About right.
B) Wouldn't mind 10 or 15 more years.
C) Want extra years only if U.N. is abolished and Republicans
have permanent majority in Congress.

5) What added power would have made your life most enjoyable?
A) Reading minds -- animals included.
B) Super strength.
C) Infallible large-appliance repair skills.
D) Ability to breath underwater.
E) Special "death ray" vision for use against weeds, yellowjackets,
termites, crabgrass, and kudzu.

6) What would you change about the daytime sky?
A) Nothing -- hence the phrase 'true blue.'
B) One non-primary color day per week.
C) Patterns would help, or possibly stripes.
D) Add 1960's Peter Max look, with animation.

7) Which answer best expresses your opinion of human sexuality?
A) Process overly complicated.
B) Too much emphasis on weights and measures.
C) Tradition often stifles innovation.
D) What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

8) Complete this sentence: "Sex would be improved by..."
A) Removing physiological limitations.
B) Adding new venues.
C) Financial incentives.
D) Roadside assistance.
E) A permit process.

9) Which anatomical change would have made you happiest?
A) Third arm
B) Edible fingernails
C) 180 degree neck rotation
D) Elimination of mucous membranes

10) Which of the following would you consider the most important invention
in recorded history?
A) Space flight
B) Antibiotics
C) Nuclear energy
D) Silk pajamas
D) Power steering

In case you're wondering, we deliberately left TV off the list. It keeps
popping up all over the universe, eon after eon, and except for a few bright
spots like 'See It Now,' the programming always devolves into a load of
pandering, brain-dead tripe. So in that regard, your civilization was
definitely not alone.

Good night, and good luck.