09/30/2016 05:21 pm ET Updated Oct 01, 2017

SAHM's Job Application

Some people live for their children. They stay in a career they don't like because it pays well enough to provide the very best for their children. I think that is admirable. Don't get me wrong, I would give my life to save any of my kids, but I have a different outlook. I have always tried to hold onto some sort of self-identity and independent happiness, and I hope they respect me for that one day. I enjoy working and love what I do. Massage therapy pays the bills. I can work as much or as little as I want, and I make my own schedule. After 5 years of giving massages, I am feeling the wear and tear on my body and have chosen to close my business next year.

As much as I would love to just write and blog all day, that's not going to put food on the table. So naturally, I have been brainstorming on what I will do next. Out of curiosity, I went to a few online sites to see what opportunities were out there. After an hour or so, I realized, "Shit. The only way I could take any of these positions is to pay for full time daycare." I'm sure few companies are hiring for a 10-3 position that pays more than minimum wage. This is a crushing reality.

I was so excited for my oldest to start kindergarten this year thinking it would make my life so much easier. Wrong. I had to adjust my existing work hours to operate around bus pick-up and drop-off times. Between that, and bringing the other two kids back and forth to daycare; I now spend most of my time rushing through the day and driving. Thank god we did not do sports this season, or this would be my never-ending life.

I love my husband, and he is a great provider for our family. Because of that, his job is a priority and if I want to work, I need to figure out how to make it cohesive with everyone else's schedule and budget.

So, once I felt totally unemployable, I started thinking about the standard interview question: "What are your strengths and weaknesses?" Jesus. That is a scary question at this point in my life. Here is what I came up with...

I can catch vomit in the palm of my hands.
I am not offended by nakedness and have no problem telling someone to put their wiener away.
I can hear everything.
I can block out annoying sounds and people.
I can operate on no sleep with no food.

Getting to work with clean cloths is unlikely.
I may start drinking before the end of my shift, because let's be honest...I have to go home.
When my kid gets sick, I will undoubtedly be the one responsible to take the day off of work.
My vehicle looks and smells like a garbage truck exploded inside of it, so driving clients around is out of the question.

So basically, I'm looking for a 10am to 3pm work day that pays like a 40 hour work week. I will definitely miss some of those five-hour shifts due to myself or someone else being ill. I have transportation, but pray that you will never have to ride in it. However, I will be happy at work every day (because I will probably be drunk).

I guess "stay-at-home mom and devoted coupon-er" it is.