THE BLOG
09/10/2014 08:00 am ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

A Woman Is a Home for a Penis?

Mark Lewis via Getty Images

Some days I am happy to be a lesbian. Other days, very happy. Then there are days like today when I am ecstatic. Why you ask?

Is it the strides being made in the fight for equality? Nope.

The lesbians in their 90s getting married? Nope.

Is it the fact that there are now (joyful sigh) lesbian emojis? Nope. Not even that.

It's the fact that my vagina won't ever be mistaken for penis housing.

You can read that again, if you like. But it'll still say the same thing -- penis housing.

Ultra-creep and man of the cloth (of course!) Mark Driscoll went on an online rampage on a church chat board in 2001 (as William Wallace II), and that sh*t has resurfaced and man is it crazy. Not regular, old crazy. Full-on "bat sh*t, hold on to your hat, papa's got a brand new bag" crazy.

The first thing to know about your penis is, that despite the way it may seem, it is not your penis. Ultimately, God created you and it is his penis. You are simply borrowing it for a while.

While His penis is on loan you must admit that it is sort of just hanging out there very lonely as if it needed a home, sort of like a man wandering the streets looking for a house to live in. Knowing that His penis would need a home, God created a woman to be your wife and when you marry her and look down you will notice that your wife is shaped differently than you and makes a very nice home.

Yup. Men are borrowing their penises and women are penis houses. I mean where does this guy get this stuff and has anyone called Conan? I doubt his writer could do any better than this.

But wait. There's more.

Therefore, if you are single you must remember that your penis is homeless and needs a home. But, though you may believe your hand is shaped like a home, it is not. And, though women other than your wife may look like a home, to rest there would be breaking into another man's home. And, if you look at a man it is quite obvious that what a homeless man does not need is another man without a home.

Wait, what? Man, it is hard to type when you are laughing. Um, I don't know about the houses where you live, Marky boy. But I don't think anyone is mistaking any of them for being hand shaped. Anywhere. Ever. Me thinks you are pushing this metaphor too far. Like way too far. Like all the way to Russia and not the part Sarah can see from her house.

Paul tells us that your penis actually belongs to your wife, and once you are
married she will trade you it for her home (I Corinthians 7:4), and every man knows this is a very good trade for him to make.

With his penis, the man is supposed to learn to please his wife and learn how to be patient, self-controlled and be educated on how to keep his home happy and joyous (I Corinthians 7:3). The man should be aroused by his new home, and the wife should rejoice at seeing his penis rise to greet her (Song of Songs 5:14b).

Wait. So does your penis belong to God or your wife? And you trade? So then she gets the penis and you get the vagina? How does.... What does... Why does... Never mind.

All I know is that I cannot get the image of a 50s housewife in an apron and cap sleeved, cherry print dress clapping her sweet little hands and jumping up and down, rejoicing as she watches her husband's cock get hard. Man the things we lesbians get to avoid, I mean, miss out on.

This moron goes on for pages and pages. He also writes the most adorable list of "new words" he says he has coined so he can talk in secret, creepy guy code.

Pussified: Any man who has lost his rocks and completed the process of remaining biologically male but become female in all other ways.

Male lesbian: Any man who thinks and acts like a woman because he thinks that makes him a better person.

Feman: A woman who thinks and ask like a man because she believes it makes her equal to men.

Serial whacker: A man who uses women for sex and uses their bodies instead of his hand for his masturbation.

Manly man: Any regenerate man who loves God and his neighbors and demonstrates it with grace guided practical living and rigorous theology.

Pitch a tent club: Men who allow their wives to nag them so incessantly that they want to sleep on the roof of their own home.

Rock free: Any man who attends a church with a woman Pastor.

Marty Stuart: Any man who stays at home with his kids while his wife goes off to work to provide for his family.

And it just goes on and on. Seriously. I could not make this shit up. I wish I could.

Boy, oh boy, oh boy. There is just so much good stuff here, I just want to quote every last word. Three cheers for the Internet and it's never ending ability to churn up the good stuff. This sh*t speaks for itself. But I will say this.

Rejoice, lesbians! Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of penises, we fear not their homelessness: For that art not our problem; thy rod and thy staff need not comfort us.

For we be not the housing complex for the penis and instead we are joyful and make a great noise that we trade not our vaginas for housing or whatever it was Mark was saying and instead frolic in our own version of a pussified world.

Amen.

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