12/06/2012 01:40 pm ET Updated Feb 05, 2013

Brown-Eyed Brunettes Aren't Gonna Take it Anymore -- Watch out, Blondies

Us brown-eyed brunettes are tired of getting short-changed... Let's rise up against those chipper blue-eyed blondes -- I'll make the signs!

I vote Keira Knightley to be our poster child!

This morning, while my bestie, we'll call her Susan (because that's her name), was driving back from doing carpool, she decided to call me and complain about the sun. You know, that round fireball in the sky that sustains life? (That in itself is a sign that she needs a hobby!)

The conversation went something like this:

Susan: "The sun this morning is relentless. I can barely see. I think it's because I have such blue eyes... I'm so sensitive to the light."

Me: (Mockingly, using a British accent because British people know how to mock best.) "Ohhh, the curse. Oh, me with my blue eyes and blonde hair. How do I get through the day?"

Susan: "Seriously, I almost had to pull over last week. Light eyes are really sensitive."

Me: (Yes, still British) "You may think you know the intensity of the light Jenny, but you have no idea -- with those doody brown eyes. You don't even know the true beauty that is all around us."

Susan: "Oh shit, I just almost hit a car." (She continued. Ignoring me because being mocked in British is never fun. Also, because she likes to ignore me. Probably because my features are so common, she forgets I'm there.)

Me: "Are you sure you almost crashed because of the light? Maybe it was your boobs. Ohhh, damn these big boobs! Jenny, you have no idea what it's like to be so buxom. They get in the way of everything; a three-point turn is like solving a Rubik's Cube. Oh, and the skinniness. I can barely turn the wheel I am so frail, with my skin and bones. It is so hard to be blonde, blue-eyed, big bosomed and skinny. You flat-chested brown eyed girls really have it made. You have no idea the obstacles I must overcome." (If she would only mention her blonde mustache again, because that's never annoying. Since she clearly has no idea that some brunettes look like boys going through puberty if they forget to get it threaded, waxed or bleached. Not me, of course...)

Us brunette, brown-eyed monsters would like you to know that we too require sunglasses. We too wear bras (though we don't necessarily need them). And yes, we too have feelings.

One day, when your hair starts to break from over-bleaching (I mean how many of your blonde friends don't have any help getting their hair that shade?) and you need cataract surgery and slings to hold up your boobies, we'll be there... pointing. You'll clearly seeing what we're pointing at, as if we're small-chested. even our perky little boobs will be pointing.

We'll be using our honed cerebral abilities and our quick wit (because you know we're super sharp) to get high-powered government positions and write hilariously funny sitcoms that we may or may not star in. And we'll be using all the money we've saved by not getting highlights every six weeks to dominate the world... or at least to buy really cute boots from Neiman's that would make you totally jealous.

So suck on that, blondies! (You too, light-eyed gingers!)

PS: If you had a different celeb in mind to rep our cause or any topic ideas for the mandatory meetings, let me know in the comments.

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