04/02/2013 05:05 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Date Night Before Kids vs. Date Night After

Many, many things change after becoming a parent: Your outlook on life, your obsession with the application of sanitizer and sunblock, the intimacy of your marriage...

We still adore our men, but our alone time has little resemblance to the hot dates we once had. Wow, did we take those nights for granted!

Want proof? Behold: Date Night Before Kids vs. Date Night After Kids.

Before: Your nights out were dependent on no one else. You never waited around the house to see if someone would show up to watch your plants, your pets or your furniture while you were gone.

After: Cancellation is always a strong possibility. It remains that way until the moment the actual babysitter arrives (even then it may be iffy). At the very least you are never guaranteed to finish anything you start: dinner, a movie, a show... (Don't check your coat.)

Before: You had time to put together the perfect outfit, blow out your hair and apply a glaze of pristine makeup, which you really didn't need in the first place.

After: You throw something together at the last minute, let your hair mostly air dry and put on the most make up you can get away with in the time you have. (Of course your swollen twitchy eyes need a pristine glaze more than ever, but you're too busy feeding and bathing the kids, settling arguments and a squelching potential chaos that will most likely ensue as soon as you hit your destination.)

Before: Conversation involved discussions and debates about intelligent adult content and R-rated humor.

After: Conversations include discussions about things you witnessed on Disney or Nick, debates about whether Burt and Ernie are gay or over what sound a chick makes (For the record, I say it's "peep," my hub says it's "chirp" -- really?), and humor that usually involves poop.

Before: No one interrupted your night by calling to tell you random things like, "I can't fall asleep because my underwear is too elastic-y" (all pairs), or that "this whole babysitter thing just isn't working for me."

After: You get all that plus "When are you coming home?", which will be the subject of 50 calls/texts alone. Certainly enough to make you wonder why you ever gave your offspring your number in the first place.

Before: What time you got in was never an issue. When you were tired, bored, too tipsy, or raring to get to the bedroom -- you headed home.

After: Your arrival time is solely based on staying out at least long enough for the kids to fall asleep. (Yes, I've even circled the neighborhood once or twice, ordered an extra cup of coffee or prolonged a somewhat boring conversation simply to waste time. Please, you have too!)

Before: It didn't matter how sloshed you were when you arrived home.

After: Now, you WILL be required to do math upon arrival, your sitter will totally judge you if you're slurring and you may have a child in your bed or a crying baby to calm within five minutes of returning home.

Before: You had all of Sunday to sleep off any repercussions of your previous night's activities.

After: Anything after 7 a.m. is considered a gift.

Before: You were upset when you missed a great host on SNL because you go home way after it ended.

After: You watch your TiVo'd SNL Sunday because you're asleep way before it begins.

Before: In the middle of the night you may find someone randomly rubbing their body against yours in an alarmingly sexy wake-up call.

After: In the middle of the night you may have the foot of a child inexplicably resting on your face, and it won't be the least bit alarming.

I rest my case...

PS: But just think, you do get to hear those cute little voices before they go to bed. Yes, I call to check on them, so do you.


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