If the shoe fits, get LeBron James to buy it for you. That's what I wanted to do recently when I went to the Nike Factory Store in Riverhead, N.Y., to purchase a pair of sneakers.
I like to think that LeBron and I have something in common: He can dunk and I've reached the age where I am starting to dribble.
But there is no question that, because LeBron has made millions playing basketball and I had to take a vow of poverty when I went into journalism, he has more money than I do.
So I was hoping he would help me out financially if I decided to get a pair of his LeBron X shoes, which are retailing for about $300.
Unfortunately, the superstar wasn't in the store when my wife, Sue, and I showed up on a busy Saturday. But I didn't need him because I was helped by a friendly and knowledgable sales associate named Sattarock Blackwood.
"I'd like to try on a pair of the LeBron X shoes," I told Satty, as he is known to his friends and customers. My mistake, not surprising because I am an uncool geezer, was saying "X," as in the letter, not "X," as in the Roman numeral for 10.
Satty, a cool young person (he's XXI), politely ignored my gaffe and replied, "We don't have any. They sold out in one day."
As a man who can best be described as economically challenged, I couldn't understand how so many people could afford to shell out so much money for a product that doesn't include a roof and an attached garage.
"They're expensive," Satty acknowledged. "I designed 28 styles of LeBron X's, but I couldn't afford to buy them."
"You designed the shoes?" I asked, flabbergasted.
"Actually," Satty said, "I went online to the Nike website. I mixed and matched colors and different elements like wings and Kevlar laces and carbon fiber soles for the LeBron X. You can do it, too."
"Can I design my own shoe?" I wondered.
"Sure," said Satty. "You'll have to come up with a symbol for yourself. LeBron has the crown, for King James."
"Maybe I'll use a Z," I said. "It could stand for my last name. Or zero, so my shoe could be the Jerry 0. That's how much it would be worth."
Since I could never see Nike putting its "Swoosh" logo on my sneakers, I asked Satty if I could try on a pair of LeBron 9 Elite Away shoes, which were going for $179.
"They look like ski boots," Sue said of the black size 11s.
"Or Frankenstein shoes," I said. "But they feel good."
"I think you look cool," Satty said.
"Hon," said Sue, "if they could help you play basketball like LeBron James, you could quit your day job."
Unfortunately, it was a Catch-XXII: I couldn't even afford the lesser-priced LeBron shoes that could have made me a multimillionaire basketball star, so I looked at other kinds, such as walking shoes, running shoes and training shoes.
"You don't have lounging shoes, do you?" I asked.
"No," Satty answered. "I think those are called slippers."
I settled for a pair of white trainers, which were almost as comfortable as slippers. They didn't have wings or Kevlar laces or carbon fiber soles, and they didn't have anyone's symbol on the back, but they did come with a great price tag: $49.99.
"You got a good deal," Sue said.
"And you still look cool," Satty added.
"Thanks," I said as I strolled out. "If you happen to see LeBron, tell him he missed out on a terrific bargain."
Stamford Advocate columnist Jerry Zezima is the author of "Leave It to Boomer." Visit his blog at www.jerryzezima.blogspot.com. Email: JerryZ111@optonline.net
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.