Aries (March 21-April 19)
With the Moon in your House of Forgiveness, this encourages you to forget a recent conflict with a close love relationship. You may have been waiting for an apology but untying them from the chair in your basement ASAP will prove as a better choice than the Chinese Water torture you have been practicing on your neighbors turtle, Snuggles, who will most likely go insane and kill us all. Thanks.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You love to entertain but suffer from an irrational fear that no one will come. With Saturn moving close to Jupiter, the planets suggest a more intense exercise plan. Doing an intense new workout over and over will lessen your fear of loneliness, unless of course, you begin to take steroids. Your new "Beef Cake" look will cause both women and children to run screaming from you.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
As Jupiter enters into the 1st House of Misery, you will feel obsessed by a certain person. You may not realize how powerful your feelings are until you actually break both of their legs. Don't let these feelings run your life and remember to breathe.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Your greatest quality is generosity. With Mercury in your Third House of Giving, now is the time to give without expecting anything in return. Please send all checks to... wait not checks, please send all cash to... Jessica Gross. No, donate to charity, besides it's a tax write-off you can squeeze in right before 2013.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Take time for self-reflection, especially if you feel as though you aren't going anywhere. Make sure to ignore that little voice in your head that fills you full of self-doubt and if you need, yell at it, even if you are in line for coffee or in the grocery store. If you yell loud enough, you may even find yourself going straight to jail. Progress.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Put away that cost-analysis calculator this weekend because common sense isn't worth a lot when it comes to love. Make sure to buy you sweetheart a big expense piece of jewelry that sparkles so loud, everything else fades away. This week's horoscope is brought to you by Kay Jewelers.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
As you enter in the 2nd House of Communication, friends and family may enjoy you getting in touch this festive week. Telling them that you are certain you will be the only one who survives the end of the world today and they can all go "Suck it" will definitely make for an awkward Saturday. Maybe now is the time for that road trip you've always wanted to take.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Unless you over-indulge or jeopardize your health, this should be a fairly smooth-sailing week. Stay away from Aunt Helen's "Heart Stopping" Eggnog and those jumbo shrimp that have been sitting out in the sun since noon.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Sexy Venus is in your outgoing sign opposing your ruling planet Jupiter and your hunger for pleasure increases. Just remember a little bit of birth control can go along way to avoid a major mistake. Oops, I meant self-control. Ah, tomato, tomato.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
The planets align to give you the drive to complete any task. You will be a lot happier if you clean your room, do your laundry and wash your dishes. And yes, your roommate paid the universe a great deal to say this but seriously, bro, you are dirty.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
With the Sun in your 12th House of Hidden Destiny, make sure to listen carefully to your dreams. Becoming a prince impersonator is always the right choice and chicks will dig it. Break out those yellow ass-less chaps!
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
A lunar opposition to Pluto can attract a manipulative partner, while a square up Uranus fires up your urge for freedom. Get out there and find someone who plays with the right shapes.