11/08/2008 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Dear John McCain -- Stay Away From References to Technology and Jell-O

Dear John,

I have been following your career for quite a few years now, especially lately if you know what I mean. In reference to last night's debate, I have several suggestions.

First off, before you step into those bright lights, try to shake it out a little so that you appear a bit looser. Your strange, rigid gestures remind me of the acting in a play that I was in during my freshman year of high school (Romeo and Juliet, natch, and believe you me, that was some shitty acting).

In an answer to a question about who your pick would be for the next Treasury Secretary, you cited Warren Buffet and then you made a strange reference to eBay. Surely you weren't suggesting that eBay would make a good Treasury Secretary. You do know that Google can't be the Defense Secretary, even with all of its foreign policy experience, right? Were you trying to look hip? Let's get it out on the table: you don't know anything about eBay, and even if you did, eBay is not exactly cutting edge anymore. This is not me being ageist -- my grandmother is on Facebook. This is just you being, no, just... don't.

By the way John, my friend, anyone who says last night's debate was boring, I completely disagree with. You may recall that you and Barack got pretty feisty with your metaphors. Remember when Obama said that the Straight Talk Express had lost a wheel? (Ha! Snap! No he di-in't!) And then you talked about nailing Jell-O to a wall? (Seriously. You didn't.) My friend, you don't want to be talking Jell-O. Jell-O conjures up images of nursing homes and Bill Cosby. And Obama never had a "Jell-O Express," so it's weak. Next time think of something else to nail to a wall. Actually. Don't. Steer clear of all references involving nails, walls or Jell-O.

Another thing you may want to control is the teeth whistle on your "S" sounds. I don't know how or why this happens, but it reminiscent of the Hiss the snake in Disney's Robin Hood. You may remember that Hiss worked for Prince John, who was not good to the poor or middle class animals in that film.

I hope you will consider working what I have just told you into the strategy for your next debate. Thank you for your time.



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