Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 4, Episode 22 of Fox's "Glee," titled "All or Nothing."
I've been known to cry during a "Glee" finale or two (or all of them). At the end of all of the previous finales, I've sat with my emotions pouring out of me for an hour. At the end of this season's, I got off my couch, fed my cats, got a glass of water and went to watch something else before I thought, "Oh yeah, have to write about that 'Glee' episode." This finale was on par with one of the show's typical, mid-season fluff episodes that are usually forgettable. A finale is supposed to be special. It's supposed to make you happy, sad, or shock you. It's supposed to make you feel something. That's what all good TV finales do, and "All or Nothing" just didn't measure up.
It started with Brittany meeting with some MIT officials. She did horribly on a test they gave her. The machine couldn't even read her answers because she opted to use a crayon instead of a pencil. But, she did scribble a bunch of numbers on the back that are very math-y and impressive to the MIT guys. "It's no ordinary series of numbers," they tell her. "It's a prime number -- normally you'd need a super computer to get a prime number that large."
"Totes," Brittany replies. Then they say they want to offer her an unsual proposition because she may be the most brilliant scientific mind since Albert Einstein (or Will Hunting).
In the choir room, Mr. Schue tells the students they need to practice their set list for Regionals. The theme for the week is "All or Nothing," and the club has to give it their all. Can someone tell me why they are ending this season with Regionals? I'm assuming this means it's probably around March in the McKinley school year. So when next season picks up, are we going to get Nationals in December and then Sectionals in May? I thought the point of having a show take place during the school year is that it actually follows the school year so we don't have to see any of their boring summer plans. Whatever. Moving on.
In the ONLY Rachel scene of the episode, she attends her final "Funny Girl" audition and sings "To Love You More" by Celine Dion. This is when Rachel is the best to watch. When she's just standing, singing by herself and a little nervous because her dreams are on the line. The showdowns with Kate Hudson and duets with Finn are good, but this is where she really shines. At the end, she's crying, but the judges are stone faced and just say, "Thank you, Rachel. We'll let you know."
Blaine is still on his "I'm going to propose to Kurt" kick and he asks Sam for help. Sam rightfully tells him it's a ridiculous idea and that he's too young. However, when Blaine is at the jewelry store, Sam shows up declaring that he wants to help. At the same jewlery store, the salesperson reveals to Blaine that she is also gay and met her partner when they were both 18. They've been together ever since and couldn't be happier. She invites Blaine and Kurt to have dinner with them at Breadstix. Where else?
At rehearsal, Mr. Schue is going over their set list when Brittany bursts in and demands they sing one of her original songs instead of Marley's. She also wants all of the solos. She insults everyone on the team and breaks up with Sam via text. After she leaves the room, Mr. Schue attempts to rehearse again, but it's Ryder's turn to have a meltdown. He stands up and says he's not performing until the catfish reveals themselves. He starts kicking things and screaming. He demands everyone pull out their phones, and when it becomes too much, Marley stands up and says it was her. The entire room is shocked, but I'm just confused.
Mr. Schue enlists Sue to help him talk to Brittany. She refuses to talk with them at the high school, but will open up if they come on "Fondue for Two" (Brittany's web show). During their appearance, we don't learn why Brittany is having a meltdown, but we do learn that she figured out who Sue's celebrity baby daddy is and it's Michael Bolton. Apparently he owed Sue a big favor.
Sam feels the need to call Santana to ask for help with Brittany. "Something's wrong. I'm asking you for help," he pleads. So, Santana comes all the way to Ohio to also appear on an episode of "Fondue for Two." But, she turns off the camera halfway through and demands to know what's wrong with her ex-girlfriend. Brittany says, "What I'm about to tell you is going to change everything, Santana." (We find out what it is in a few minutes).
When Blaine and Kurt go to Breadstix with the lesbian couple, they seem enamored of their love story. Then the women ask Blaine and Kurt about themselves and tells them that they're a sweet couple, to which Kurt replies, "We aren't a couple." Ouch. Might want to return that ring, Blaine.
At school, Marley tries to talk to Ryder. He wants to know why she did it. When she goes to respond, Unique steps out from behind a wall (what?) and says it was acutally her. She tells Marley to stop covering for her and finally fesses up to Ryder. "I know you're probably going to punch me in the face, but the truth is, I reached out to you because I liked you." Unique doesn't want to lose what they have, but Ryder is furious. "I'm not going to punch you in the face. But I'm also not going to talk to you ever again."
Regionals time! Girls, put on your purple sparkle dresses and guys, put on your suits! The first team is The Waffle Toots from a really rich prep school. They sing "The Rainbow Connection" and it's really boring, which is why they come in third.
Backstage, Ryder shows up to perform, but before going on he says that with everything that's happened, he's quitting glee after Regionals. Ugh. OK, this makes me furious -- why do other contestants from "The Glee Project" get to stay on this show (like Joe, who does NOTHING) while Blake Jenner (who plays Ryder), one of the most talented actors on the show, has to go? Alex Newell, who plays Unique, didn't actually win "The Glee Project," but has stuck around anyway. There are few things I like about "Glee," but Ryder is one of them, and I would love to see him stay.
The second team to perform is the Hoosier Daddies. They sing two really good songs and basically turn the stage into a nightclub. Their performance is fun and full of energy.
Going backstage again, Brittany arrives to make her big announcement to the club. She was offered early admission to MIT and they want her to leave immediately. Pause. That is not how early admission works. They at least let you graduate school, seeing as you kind of need a high school diploma or equivalent to go to college. Sigh. Brittany has an emotional moment with each member of the team, and then it's the New Directions' turn.
Their first song is "Hall of Fame" by The Script. I thought this was really good, and I like how they let the guys start the song. The next song was "I Love It" by Icona Pop. If you don't know what song that is, just turn on your TV. It's probably on the next commercial. Their last song is Marley's "All or Nothing," which was okay. It reminded me of those cheesy "believe your dreams" songs they force "American Idol" finalists to sing on the finale.
Time for the results. We know Waffle Toots gets third, but who gets first. Drum roll please ...
New Directions wins Regionals! Of course they do! We already saw what happens when they lose at the beginning of this season when they lost Sectionals: The team has nothing to do and no reason to rehearse, so to keep the show rolling, they have to keep winning.
While celebrating in the choir room, Ms. Pillsbury walks in with a preacher. She claims that since she can't handle the pressure of a big wedding, she wants a surprise one. So her and Mr. Schue get married right there in the choir room. The wedding is boring and void of emotion, and I keep hoping they will get it over with so we can hear about Rachel's audition. But they do not. The show ends with Mr. Schue kissing the bride and then the camera pans out to Blaine and Kurt and we see that Blaine has a ring in his hand. Why not, "Glee?" It seems like there's been a wedding every year, so what's one more in Season 5?
What did you think of "All or Nothing"?