I was sitting on the subway a few days ago, not entirely minding my own business, while the two women next to me discussed feeding their babies. One was extolling the virtues of homemade baby food, while the other mostly listened.
"It's SO easy, you just whiz it up in the Cuisinart," said the first woman -- I'll call her Whizzer.
"Don't you have to cook it first?"
"Sure," said Whizzer. "I steam all kinds of things -- veggies, fruit, fish -- and then I puree them, and then I freeze them in ice cube trays. It just takes a second to defrost everything when it's time for him to eat."
"Oh," said her friend. "That's really smart."
"You have to do it -- you'll never go back to jarred food. It's just so EASY!" Whizzer reiterated.
She was trying to help, I could tell, but "easy" is one of those accidentally loaded terms in conversations between moms. What's easy for one woman (whose baby, say, sleeps through the night and naps like clockwork) may seem to another like summiting Everest without oxygen. I know that when my kids were tiny, it was all I could do to pop open jars by the dozen, scatter a few Cheerios and mash the occasional banana with a fork. I never whizzed anything. Not once.
I've learned so much from my mom friends over the years. I don't know where I would be without their comfort, camaraderie and comparing-of-notes. But I've also met my share of Whizzers, whose tips came at me like fastballs and sent me running for cover. I've discovered that friendly advice can sometimes make a small problem look enormous, and a decent mother feel like a bungler. Lodged inside a nugget of wisdom there may be a shard of judgment, a subliminal message that you're not doing enough well enough. I've been Whizzed before, and sometimes, I fear I'm Whizzing another mom -- even one I truly love.
So in honor of Redbook's No-Judgment Day, I am getting out of the advice business. Unless I am explicitly asked for my opinion or guidance (e.g. "where did you get your daughter's rainboots?" or "Did she need a reading tutor and did it help?" Answer key: Zappos, yes, and yes), I'm going to try to zip my lip. Today and every day, I'm going to practice listening-only conversations, where I empathize and nod, but I'm more seen than heard. I'll leave the hardcore advice-giving to the experts, because god knows, no one can shut them up.
For more on Redbook's No Judgment Day, visit: Mamarama. Then, join the conversation on Twitter using #NoJudgmentDay!