08/16/2010 02:31 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011


"A blog post on the Web site of Gambit, an alternative weekly paper, suggested that the 'most elemental concept of object permanence seemed to elude the national media.' 'Kinda like when you're playing peekaboo with a baby, you know?' wrote Kevin Allman. ''Just because you can't see it doesn't mean [the oil spill has] gone away.'" -- The New York Times

We at BP want to assure the citizens of the Gulf region that, though the spill may be over, we're continuing our outreach efforts in the following ways:

* BP will be personally conducting a door-to-door campaign with all residents in affected areas in order to resolve any lingering fumes from the spill.

We promise that once we've cleaned everything up, we'll give your noses back. But for now we've got 'em! We've got your noses!

* Watch our hands: the itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout...

No, don't look towards the beach, our hands, watch our hands!

* The following pamphlet will be sent out to affected communities to help them understand and cope with the inky black of night...and of oil slicks:

In the great blue gulf
There was a deep, deep well
And an oil bloom
But you can't even see it
By the light of the moon.
Goodnight pelicans
Goodnight sand
Goodnight water
And goodnight land
Goodnight traces
Of gallons of flow,
If you can't see it
Then you don't know
Enough to win a lawsuit against us for damages.

* Here, here, stick out your toes. Which little piggy wants to be a greased little piggy?

Please be aware that any piggies we've greased are no longer safe for human or animal consumption.

* Hey, we have a good idea -- let's play "I Spy." We'll start.

BP Exec: I spy, with my little eye, something brown and sludgy.
Gulf Resident: Ummm...the oil spill.
BP Exec: Nope. Close, though!
Gulf Resident: How about...those pelicans covered in oil.
BP Exec: Try again!
Gulf Resident: Maybe...umm...the beach? The parts of the beach that have oil on them?
BP Exec: Wrong again -- it was a trick question! It was the oil we can't see because of dispersion by ocean currents! Alright, I'll start again. I spy, with my little eye, something brown...

* We're gonna play hide and seek. How about BP is it, and the oil can be first to hide.

Ready? Okay - 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10 -- here we come!

Wow, oil spill, you sure are hard to find! We're gonna keep looking, and we're totally looking really hard, but if we don't find you before everyone gets bored of this game, then you're officially it.

In fact, BP is gonna get ready for that and just hide now -- does that sound good to you, oil?

We're gonna take that as a yes.