02/14/2011 02:52 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Recipes for Romance

Try these fabulous food and drink favorites to make your Valentine's "sizzle." Or broil.

Carne a la Cheapskate
-Root vegetable of your choice
-Fancy lettuce, like "rocket," or "arugula," or "not pre-bagged with chopped carrots."
-Good wine, or, barring that, mediocre wine funneled into a good bottle

1.) First, set the mood with a nicely-set table, some candles, and a big glass of wine for each of you. Note that you were able to "really splurge" on the wine since you weren't paying restaurant prices for it.

2.) Mention how much better it is that you two have chosen to avoid the commercialism of the holiday, and overcrowded, overpriced restaurants, in favor of real intimacy.

3.) Arrange lettuce in a heart-shape on each plate. Would a fancy restaurant have thought of that?

4.) Let's hope you're the reincarnation of Julia Childs with the filets, because let's be honest, you're already serving up a pretty hefty pile of bullshit here.

Chocolate-Coated Ennui
-Body Chocolate
-Your 23 year marriage

1.) Strip seductively for your partner

2.) Maybe you should have turned the lights down low before you started that one. Of course your body is still attractive, honey, it's just that neither of us is exactly in bikini-model shape anymore. You know what, let's just dim them a little. A little more. Okay, follow my voice to the bed.

3.) Paint each other lovingly with chocolate from... dammit, it's already on the sheets. No, it doesn't have to stop, it's just these are 500 thread-count, and god only knows what's in this shit. It looks like Hershey's syrup and cheez-whiz mixed together.

4.) Lick it off seductively. Jesus, it tastes as bad as it looks. Well honestly, try a little -- does that taste turn you on?

5.) You know what, it was a nice thought, but CSI is coming on in about ten minutes, and now there's a load of laundry to do before bedtime.

Love Potion No. 1-2 mg.
-Peach Nectar

1.) Pour peach nectar in bottom of champagne flute. Top with champagne. If desired, top with roofie.

2.) Serve to your valentine.

3.) Hey, we just said this drink would work, not that it was morally justifiable.

4.) Seriously, feel free to take your chances with undoctored champagne and "your patented charm." All we're saying is we're not placing odds on the outcome.

Gift Exchange En Flambé
-That vacuum she's been asking for

1.) Oh, she's ready for gifts? Well you have something she is really gonna like this year... ta-da!

2.) But it was exactly what she asked... no, of course you don't think this marriage is just utilitarian, it was just... a joke! Yeah, a joke! That's not your real gift.

3.) Surreptitiously light vacuum on fire when she's not looking. Smoke inhalation can really muddle someone's short-term memory.

4.) In the ambulance, serve her some Love Potion No. 1-2 mg. When she wakes up, refresh her missing short-term memory with the story about how the amazingly romantic gift you'd bought burned up in the fire.