"Like thousands of other gun owners who will most likely never set foot in Utah, Mr. Roe wants a permit there for one reason: It allows him to carry his semiautomatic .45-caliber pistol in 32 other states... the requisite safety class can be taken anywhere... the class does not require any actual shooting. One could conceivably obtain a Utah permit without ever having fired a gun." -- The New York Times
Congratulations on completing your training program! We know that in the last 27 minutes you've learned everything it takes to be a responsible, safe, and proud long-distance Utah gun owner! Before receiving your Utah state gun permit, please answer the following questions and mail the completed test back to the Utah gun licensing commission. While we'd like to promote responsible test-taking, we want all applicants to remember that the internet is a fabulous and unimpeachable resource, and that there are no "wrong" answers:
1.) Please complete the following sentence: "Gun ownership is a ____:
a.) Right
b.) Responsibility
c.) Good way to protect our borders
d.) Better pick-up strategy than mere cowboy-boot ownership alone
e.) All of the above
2.) Circle all of the instances in which would you be within your rights to use your firearm:
a.) Bear attacks
b.) Attacks of the vapors
c.) Attacks by artfully-arranged tin cans
d.) Boredom
e.) All of the above
3.) Where does your gun look the coolest?
a.) Prominently displayed on a hipbone
b.) Stuck suggestively into the back of a waistband
c.) As a coy bulge... wherever I feel like it!
d.) In a tasteful arrangement filled out with pussy willows, baby's breath, and a few daffodils.
e.) In my hand, pointed at someone
f.) All of the above
4.) Have you ever "Dick Cheneyed" anyone while hunting, shooting at a range, or hosting a barbeque, luau-themed or otherwise? If so, was it an accident? If not, is there any evidence?
5.) Do you suffer from uncontrolled Parkinson's disease or other tremor-inducing conditions? Please answer honestly; this question cannot, in itself, disqualify you from Utah permit status.
6.) Are you blind? If the answer is "yes," please call our toll-free hotline to receive your Braille application.
7.) Are you going to be careful with your gun? Would you be willing to pinky swear to that?
The following questions will be considered the "practical application" portion of the exam:
8.) If an intruder came into your home at night, would you shoot him? Where would you shoot him? Would you miss?
9.) Imagine yourself shooting at one of those man-outline targets right now. Where were you aiming? Did you hit it?
10.) How, exactly, do you shoot a gun?
a.)You pull the trigger
b.)You press that one button
c.)With focused mind-waves
d.)Side-arm, like they do in Scarface, because that looks frickin' sweet.
e.)All of the above
11.) If shooting had a "handicap," measured in "toes accidentally lost," how close would you be to a "scratch" gun-owner? If you've never possessed and/or used a gun before, make your best guess.
I will be paying my registration fee by:
__ Check
__ Cash
__ Cereal Box Proof-of Purchase Stamps
__ Next Tuesday, for a permit today!
Thank you for taking the time to apply for your Utah gun permit! We appreciate you being willing to think of "Utah" in connection with anything other than "polygamy."
Your order may take up to 4-6 weeks to process, but unless you have one of the scary felonies on your record, feel free to act as though you have already received it!