11/14/2012 02:11 pm ET Updated Jan 14, 2013

The Republicans' Survival Guide

I know you're in agony, Republicans. But just think about a few things before you hurl yourselves into the river:

We survived George W. Bush. You can survive Barack Obama.

We survived the Bush team spreading the rumor that John McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child who turned out to be his adopted daughter. You can survive the Obama team spreading the truth that Mitt Romney is a ruthless corporate raider.

We survived Bush v. Gore, the Supreme Court decision that installed the 43rd president. You can survive Obama getting legitimately elected, twice.

We survived a surplus economy that devolved into insurmountable debt and financial ruin. You can survive someone at least trying to fix it.

We survived Bush's bank bailout. You can survive Obama's stimulus bill.

We survived 9/11. You can survive Libya.

We survived Iraq. You can survive... sorry, there's no equivalent.

We survived "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." You can survive soldiers with superior decorating skills.

We survived the refusal of health insurers to cover people. You can survive Obamacare.

We survived Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum. You can survive Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren.

We survived the Religious Right. You can survive gay marriage.

We survived the GOP saying that Democrats are Socialist Homosexual Muslims. You can survive Democrats saying that the GOP are vagina-controlling Klansmen.

We survived Ann Coulter. You can survive Rachel Maddow.

We survived the conservative surge under Bush and the chaos it led to. You can survive the electorate's rejecting it.

We survived the financial breakdown. You can survive financial regulation.

We survived white people having all the power. You can survive minorities having a teensy bit of power.

We survived big banks taking taxpayer money and pocketing it. You can survive the people demanding that they give it back.

We can get through this together if you will stop being so hysterical and realize that America is still a great country, and you will survive it. Let's all get drunk.