Make sure you don't cancel your subscription to The New York Times when you bite the dust; there is no Wi-Fi in heaven. As soon as you land on cloud nine, check out the Obituary page. You may find you have more posthumous friends than you had when you were running around down here.
All willing to fork over more than 260 bucks (for the first four lines) to jump on the obit bandwagon so they can advertise how iconic you are and how close they were.
And, every year when your birthday or final-exit anniversary rolls around, your fan base will plant In Memoriam ads (same charge) -- in case you forget that they are still alive.
Here are the contenders for this year's in Memoriam Obies:
FILMORE - Frank (Filly)
Wish you were still around.
We needed your vote.
FINEBERG - Leonard 7 years
You are sorely missed at the club, big guy. We are a threesome now with no status on the golf course.
If only we could give you a Mulligan.
Your buddies... Milton, Ira and Lester.
GRUPPOLO - Felipo Destino 12 years
FDG: We still mourn every day but our hearts are full of memories. You light up our lives. Your torch is bright.
"Life is a Bulb."
Diego, Benedetto, Luigi, Enzo, Guiseppe and Dylan.
KRUPINSKI - Harry 10 years.
Great news on what would have been your 78th birthday.
You've been cleared of all charges!
XXX Your loving wife, Edna.
KRUPINSKI - Harry (Baby) 10 years.
I knew you were innocent the first night we met at the Regency.
But, thank goodness, not that innocent.
LAGRANGE - BoBo Levine
I still treasure our trips to Capri. The yacht. The Lear. Aspen. Shopping. Good times!
No worries - I am taking good care of Stan.
Your BFF - Mona
NUDELMAN - Myra
Miss your love, your laughter and your schnitzel.
The "GIRLS"...Libby, Glo, and Rhoda
O'REILLY - John III (Johnno)
Remember that lottery ticket we bought? We lost.
But losing you was actually worse.
PLATZ - Sylvia
Sylvia, oh Sylvia!
Who could make us laugh? Who could make us cry? Who could throw a shindig? You went out in a blaze of glory!
Our hearts go out to Irv in the burn unit.
The Grossmeld Family
RYAN - Jack (Rambo) 36 years.
We're killing ducks at the Washtenaw Gunner's Club to celebrate your birthday.
Your Winchester is in the rack.
Buck and Colhane
WHITMAN - Muffie
Hugs on your birthday! You are sorely missed - I am making up the deficit.
Hi to Mums!
WORTH - David
The bad news is: you never got paroled.
The good news is: they kept your name on the Y.
XOXO Christine, David, Jr. and Ridge.