Unless you live in Arizona or screw it up like we often do, your clocks will spring ahead this weekend. And that hour of extra sunlight means that (yay) it's almost spring. The start of spring gets us excited about eating pastel-colored eggs, bunny-shaped chocolates, or the slightly less pretty haroses and gefilte fish. But it also makes us think about a more impious tradition associated with spring - spring break.
The closest we ever came to spring break was a weekend in Vermont eating Ben & Jerry's by the fire. We just never had the money or an entire week to spare on nothing but senseless debauchery. We're kind of sad that we missed out, but if you're like us and you're thinking about joining your little sister and her friends this year to make up for lost time, we want to remind you that spring break is meant exclusively for undergrads. Anyone over the age of 25 doesn't have the immune system, liver capacity and/or patience to sleep six to a room after spending all day in the sun sucking on the business end of a keg. A friend of ours proved this recently by contracting meningitis when he tagged along on spring break with a bunch of kids 10 years his junior.
So if you are in college, remember that this is your one and only chance to live it up! Enjoy spring break for all it's worth and make some ridiculous memories. But please take some advice from your elders. First of all, the key to not doing anything you'll totally regret when you're our age is to not get too drunk. Don't get us wrong - you can get drunk, just not too drunk. Go ahead and down mixed drinks, but match each one with a glass (sorry, a giant red plastic cup) of water. The only double fisting you should do (of any kind) is with water. Also remember that the crazier your drink's name, the more sugar and high fructose B.S. it has added to it. So skip the "Surfer on Acid," and you'll be less likely to accidentally wake up next to an actual surfer on acid.
If you're a beer-chugging type of co-ed, we'll allow it, since you're in college. But girls, remember that the only time you don't have to keep up with the guys is when it comes to beer. We think that a girl who drinks too many beers with the guys is kind of like the guy who's a little bit too willing to go shoe shopping. It's suspicious. Also remember how very important food is when it comes to alcohol. It can make the difference between puking your guts out alone in your room and making out on the beach with the guy who twitterpated you all semester. Just don't take clues from him about what to eat. The college male's body was built to run on beer bongs and Long Island Ice Teas on an empty stomach, followed by death dogs swallowed whole at 4:00 a.m. But you girls should try to eat at least one meal your mom would approve of for every day you're on spring break.
If you follow these rules, use condoms religiously and don't fall for some Girls Gone Wild knockoff, you're on your way to the remorse-free spring break that you surely deserve after working so hard all semester. Ahem.
But if you missed spring break, that doesn't mean you have to miss out. If you don't have a lot of time and money, turn your extra hour into a special happy hour - go with some friends to an extra-cool hotel bar and sip expensive, high calorie drinks by the pool. Or if you have some extra cash, plan a weekend getaway with some friends or your sweetie and have a grown-up spring break. Go somewhere cheaper and more relaxing than Cancun or Daytona and lie in the sun, order room-service, get a massage, read that book you've meaning to get around to, have sex with someone you actually like, turn off your frankenberry and just take the "break" in spring break literally. Then give yourself a real break and thank your body (with all its flaws) for forcing you to grow up and take care of it.
For more tips, visit www.heydayproductions.com or pick up a copy of HOW TO EAT LIKE A HOT CHICK: Eat What You Love, Love How You Feel, by Jodi Lipper and Cerina Vincent.