09/29/2011 01:29 pm ET Updated Nov 29, 2011

Insane Energy Drink Experimentation (Don't Try This at Home)

Sometimes, my energy drinks bore me.

The trouble is, I've grown accustomed to how all of this stuff works, and my "cycles" are just getting boring. So I figured, why not have a little fun?
I drink Red Bulls in the morning. They've got a little caffeine, but they keep me riding strong into the day. This is the "long burn" energy.
I drink Redline when I need a big boost, usually before working out -- the extra energy while working out turns into more repetitions and calisthenics. This is a subtle but steady climb, followed by a slow and steady decline.
When Redline starts to dull out (and I get tolerant), I switch to N.O. Xplode. This stuff is sorta like Redline, but the "shock" factor is way higher -- you don't just soar up to cruising altitude, you fucking take off like a rocket. And you pretty much crash the same way.

And so, I mixed three scoops of N.O. Xplode into two cans worth of Red Bull, and finished off the water bottle with a bottle of Redline Xtreme. An energy drink cocktail of epic proportions. And what do you get when you mix these?

Consumed at 5:30 p.m.

Immediate effect: At first, nothing (of course). But once it hit my system, it was like jumping off a roof, in reverse. I got into my truck, began driving to the gym, and within 10 minutes, my heart was racing. I was physically shaking by the time I got to the gym.

During the workout: Holy Jesus Mary shit fuck. I was sweating like crazy, and where I normally begin to fatigue and experience some muscle tiredness around the 25th rep in a high-rep workout, I went on to 30... then 35... then 40 and finally stopped at 50, with almost no real "pushing through." ON EVERY EXERCISE. I was still racing when done with the weights (about an hour or so) and went into my cardio session thinking "I'll run as far as I can until the juice runs down." I normally run two, and at the end of the second, my body is ready for me to stop. I'm not "winded," just tired and ready to call it a workout. Tonight, I ran four miles, and could have done five, but was just fucking bored on the treadmill.

After workout: Just about everyone I talked to commented on my "good mood." I was pretty hyper driving home, but not heart-racing hyper. Just... hyper. Called a lot of people, got a lot of conversations done. Saw God. Told him "hi" for my mom, since she believes in him and I don't. Nearly ran over a cop on a motorcycle. He gave chase, I just plugged an IV from my arm into the gas tank and outran that motherfucker something fierce. Invented two new punctuation marks. Divided by zero.

The rest of the evening: No "jitters" -- but I've been working all night. It's now 4:06 a.m., and I'm not even the slightest bit tired. I've written two new stories for my book's website (to go up closer for the book release date), invented Joetonium, which is 100x stronger than Adamantium but only bonds to cartilage, and fixed a leaky toilet. Don't hate anyone. Like everyone. Love you. Thank you for reading my blog. I want an iguana. I had one when I was a teenager, but he was a bit of a mean fucker, he bit me all the time. I can totally do cartwheels, watch.

The taste: Like a fruit-flavored 9-volt battery. N.O. Xplode is already pretty "sharp" tasting, but mixing it with the carbonation from the Red Bull made it practically shock my mouth with every sip.

Will I do this again? You're goddamn right I will.

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