03/07/2012 03:48 pm ET Updated May 07, 2012

Kirk Cameron's Existence Makes Compelling Case Against Evolution

During a recent televised conversation between Piers Morgan and former teen idol turned homophobic Fundamentalist Christian Kirk Cameron on CNN, it was determined that Cameron's very existence argued persuasively against Darwin's theory of evolution via natural selection.

The controversial interview, in which Cameron assailed homosexuality as threatening the very foundations of civilization, electrified the global scientific community by manifestly refuting the notion that Homo sapiens has intellectually outpaced its fellow hominid species over millennia of adaptive evolution. Said one noted anthropologist, "I'm suddenly finding it very difficult, ontologically speaking, to reconcile basic Darwinian principles with the idea that Kirk Cameron is extant."

In a related story, the NYPD is reluctant to investigate the abrupt disappearance of Piers Morgan Tonight's talent booker shortly after the Cameron segment aired because, as a department spokesperson puts it, "We simply don't have the resources to launch an investigation every time someone books a gig for Kirk Cameron and then fails to show up for work the next day."