02/12/2014 11:08 am ET Updated Apr 14, 2014

Enough Already With the Dumb Quizzes

Those annoying Buzzfeed, Quizilla and Quizfarm et al quizzes have been clogging my Facebook news feed for months at a rate that now surpasses the petition requests, memes and revolting photos of the disgusting gourmet slop people had for dinner (food photography is an art form folks, not a subject for your iPhone camera) with the accompanying map which is useless because I don't expect to travel all the way to Phoenix to sample a spicy cactus taco on a gluten-free tortilla pancake any time soon.

If you actually think these quizzes are even remotely scientific, you should be scoring "idiot" on the idiot quiz although, given the element of quiz stupidity, you'll probably end up with "genius". In fact, the quiz-makers seem intent on being as random (not to mention inanely cute) as possible. I mean, if Bora Bora is my vacation choice in the "Which Jane Austen Heroine Are You?" quiz, how does that make me Elizabeth Bennet? Or if I decide to bring a Swiss army knife to a deserted island, how does that mean my ideal profession should be Pope?

And I'm not even going to mention "What Infectious Disease Are You?" or "Which Sex Toy Are You?" or "What Kind of Bathroom Guest Are You?" (Yes, those really exist.)

They're just supposed to be fun, possibly even parodies, but I have to wonder how many people actually believe this shit. Like the guy who takes Buzzfeed's "Which Job Is Right for Me?" quiz and ends up thinking he should be a novelist. Or pity the poor dimwit who, after finding out he should live in Paris rather than a trailer park outside of Little Rock, actually decides to move to the City of Light? Or the guy who ends up with "Bambi" after taking "Which Disney Movie is Most Like Your Life?" And what if they're the same guy? Is he now animated grass-eating Parisian literary trailer trash?

What if the same schmuck takes's "Which Dictator Are/Were You?" quiz and suddenly thinks it's okay to interrogate his family under harsh lights, stage a coup at work or invade his neighbor's garden with an imaginary panzer division?

In other words, if you believe them, these quizzes can be dangerous.

So, just as an experiment, I decided to take every one of these boneheaded quizzes I could find. Here's what I learned about myself:

I'm Attila the Hun (aka a hot pink vibrating butt plug) with the personality of a seventy-year-old cupcake and the intellect of a beaver, although I should put off having kids for three years and if I go to the toilet at a friend's house I am considered a "nasty dumper. "


I'm a douchebag masquerading as a character from "Sex and the City" and I should live in Paraguay, although I'm a neurotic nonviolent Mr. Darcy-type who resembles George Clooney because I'm a martini.


I'm gonorrhea, a paranoid schizophrenic muscle-bound tomato with a hidden talent for ballet, yet I am also a sexy sushi roll whose life resembles the movie "Sleeping Beauty," and my soul mate is Shia La Boeuf.


I'm a bi-polar parakeet named Kermit the Frog who gets stoned with Abraham Lincoln. I am mentally only twelve and I should be a rock star although I'm a conceited purple French tickler (aka Albert Einstein).

How did they know I was a nasty dumper? Amazing.