10/08/2013 04:14 pm ET Updated Dec 08, 2013

Boehner's Dark Secret: 'It's All About the Carrots'

Hi Eric. You won't believe what happened to me last night. POTUS finally invites me -- the goddamn Speaker of the House -- to this state dinner at the White House (big deal) and what does he do? He skimps on the number of carrots I get. I counted them. I only got three teeny-tiny carrot slivers! Three miserable slivers! Not chunks like everybody else. Slivers!

He knows damn well how much I love carrots. Everybody does. Even the Democrats know I love carrots. It's common fucking knowledge that I love carrots. Biden knows I love carrots. Schumer knows I love carrots. Reid knows I love carrots. Franken knows I love carrots. Sure, Al's a broccoli man (not me -- they make me fart like a whoopee cushion) but at least he respects a man who enjoys a good carrot.

I know our so-called "president" did it on purpose just to slight me. He probably said to the kitchen staff, "Just give Boehner three lousy carrot slivers. That'll show him. I'd just love to see his face go from salon orange to angry red. And no seconds either."

Pelosi had lots of carrots on her plate. I counted them. She had eight big fat juicy chunks. EIGHT! I watched her eat one and she deliberately looked over at me and went, "Mm, good." Hoyer got six. Six! Twice as many as me!

Eric, I thought I was going to cry like a baby but somehow I managed to restrain myself.

I think I even saw POTUS smirk when I got my plate. Of course, I immediately noticed the lack of carrots. I'm sure he enjoyed that. Such arrogance! How am I supposed to negotiate with a guy who knows I love carrots and then DELIBERATELY deprives me of my fair share? I can just see us sitting around a negotiating table -- he'll be talking about some boring subject like the poverty level and I'll be thinking about the carrot issue.

Here's another thing that gets my goat: My three lousy carrot slivers were too close to my mashed potatoes and some of the gravy got on them. So my carrots didn't even taste like carrots. They were contaminated by gravy. They tasted like gravy!! Carrots aren't any good if they don't taste like carrots. So I get three tiny carrots and they don't even taste like carrots! I know he did that on purpose too. He probably told the kitchen staff, "Make sure Boehner's carrots get gravy on them."

On top of that, I think everybody else's carrots were glazed. Mine were definitely not glazed. There was absolutely no glaze on my carrots! I had unglazed carrots.

Anyway, I can't let him just get away with this despicable injustice. Eric, it's incumbent upon us to do something really significant to send him a strong message, something that will cause him as much grief as this carrot issue has caused me, like maybe a shutdown or a default. Let's see how cocky he is once we destroy the country on his watch!

Here's the thing: Would it have killed him to give me a decent portion of carrots? Three good-sized chunks with glaze and no gravy spillover and I would have been happy. Is that too much to ask?

How can he be so petty?