01/12/2012 05:06 pm ET Updated Mar 13, 2012

Guten Tag , Mitt! Greetings From a European Welfare State

Hello Americans! Greetings from Germany! My name is Hans. I wish to tell you that the man you call Mitt (this is a real name?) is quite correct. Germany is a very bad place to live. We have so many problems!

I give you an example. Every year, I am forced to take six weeks of vacation. This is terrible! Yes, it is nice that my company pays me for this, but it is so difficult to decide where to spend these vacations. There are so many nice places, like the Italian Riviera or the south of France. Last year I went to Majorca and it was very beautiful and sunny and the food was delicious, but one day I stepped on a sea urchin.

When I returned home to Germany, my foot became infected and I had to go to the hospital. The doctors operated on my foot and made me stay in bed for a week and take medicines. This was very, very expensive -- it cost me 30 Euros! (In America, this is about $43!) This is a lot of money for hospitals and doctors, is it not?

My sister, Ingeborg, picked me up from the hospital. She is pregnant with a boy who she will name Franz. Her boss forces her to take nine months away from her work so that she can have her baby and take care of him! Then, when she goes to work again, her company will pay for Franz to have day care at the company. Such a stupid idea!

Ingeborg drove me in her new BMW (do they sell these in America?) to the train station. Here, I went on a train that moves so fast, I arrived home in an hour. Why do we have to have trains that can go 350 kilometers (210 miles) an hour? I tried to read a book on the train, but I could not finish it because I was home so fast.

I was reading this book for school. You see, my company pays for me to attend university. So I work some hours at the company and then I study at the university. My boss thinks I will be a better worker if I am intelligent. Ach! Why do we Germans have such bad ideas?

When I was on the train, I passed many houses with some blue solar panels on the roofs. And windmills too in the fields. This is very ugly I think. Do you have these in America?

When I got home, my brother, Heinrich, was there. He works for a company called Siemens. They make bridges and high-speed railways all over the world in places like India and China and America where this technology does not exist.

Heinrich makes 50 Euros an hour. (That is about $65 in America.) This is not good because Heinrich brags about it all the time.

In America, you have really great stuff like super-cool fighter jets and computer-operated drones and really great smart bombs. These things I have seen in the movies. I wish we had this cool stuff in my country. But we don't. Instead, our stupid government spends money on crippled people and old people and people with mental problems, and for fixing old bridges and building highways and hospitals and things like this. We are not so cool as you.

I wish I lived in America.