12/17/2012 07:37 pm ET Updated Feb 16, 2013

My Meshuggah Jewish Christmas

Oy! It's almost Christmas again. What a megillah!

So here's the story: My wife is a shiksa of the Catholic faith and I'm a lazy Jew so we celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah. What a tsoris! Granted, Hanukkah doesn't have a lot of bells and whistles -- just a menorah, a few candles, a couple of prayers, a hymn or two -- but it's simple. No fuss, no muss. Dreidels I could live without. But Christmas? Ach! I don't mean to kvetch (yes, I do), but Christmas, with all the schmaltzy carols and all the electrical stuff on the lawn, is totally meshuggah.

The thing is, Hanukkah kind of makes sense. It's straightforward. But Christmas? If you want my opinion, it seems a little potched together. With Christmas I've got some questions.

For example, they claim that Santa lives in the North Pole. What kind of a schlub lives in the North Pole? He can't live in Miami? It's like a refrigerator up there. You could catch a cold. Does he ever wear a heavy sweater or a decent hat that covers his ears? No. Because he knows everything better. And does he ever call his mother?

Then he has to come down the chimney. What a schlemiel. He can't ring the doorbell? And how does he keep from getting chimney schmutz all over himself? Have you ever looked up a chimney? Most chimneys could use a good cleaning with Ajax. And who wants reindeer parked on the roof? Who's going to clean up the mess when they make their business?

Then there's the milk and cookies business. On Christmas Eve, every kid in the world leaves milk and cookies for Santa. Ach! So you're telling me he can eat 50 million cookies and drink 50 million glasses of milk? He's already obese. Even if it's skim milk and the cookies are sugar-free and gluten-free, can you imagine what his cholesterol level must be? Does he go to the doctor regularly for a check-up? Do they even have doctors in the North Pole?

I pass a crèche on my way to work every day. Very nice, very quaint, except it's supposed to be winter and nobody's wearing sensible shoes. Joseph has on flip flops. Mary has no mittens. There's no space heater or anything. All the little boychik has is a thin blanket. And these parents call themselves Jews?

And the three wise men? What do these shmegeggis do? They show up with some really farkakta gifts for the kid. Granted, the gelt was a good present -- gelt always is -- but only if they invest it, although I'll bet Mary and Joseph spent it on something like bookshelves or a new dinette set for the manger. I mean, what are they going to do? Buy the kid some tchotchkes at Goys R Us?

But the frankincense and myrrh? Are you kidding me? Who gives a present like that? If you ask me, a nice gift basket of fruit, pickles, Mogan David wine and pretzels would have been a lot nicer. Or some V-necked sweaters like the ones my wife gets me every year.

And why do people bring trees in the house? It makes a mess after a week and you step on the needles. You cut your foot, it could get infected. You want to be on Amoxicillin for a week? A nice ficus tree in a pot makes sense, unless you're allergic, but a tree from a forest? And then you have to pull all the crap off it and schlep it to the garbage. What a meshugass.

And what's with the elves? All they do is make toys all year? What kind of a profession is that? You call that a career? Some of them could have been doctors or lawyers. By now, they could have a house in the Hamptons or a condo in Cabo.

Then there's the Christmas turkey. Didn't we just have to eat that on Thanksgiving? What's with the turkey all the time? Again we have to make with the carving? You can cut yourself and end up in the emergency room. We can't just have a little deli food, some smoked whitefish, a little chopped liver? Maybe some pastrami on rye? We have to eat turkey again? Do they even have turkeys in the Holy Land?

Next Christmas I'm joining my brethren at Yang Chows. They make a nice sweet and sour chicken. Enough already with the turkey and the yams and the pumpkin pie. You could get an ulcer from all that stuff and spend the next six weeks chewing Maalox.

Who needs the aggravation?